Movie City USA

MCUSA Closed; ESFS Open

2009-05-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

This blog is closed, but my new endeavor, The E Street Film Society is now open.

Closed...For Now

2008-09-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

I know I promised a solid last week of blogging, but I've been sick for two straight weeks, so I haven't been up to it. However, you should not consider this the end of my blogging career, just the end of this particular chapter. The next chapter will be The E Street Film Society, an all-inclusive movie club in which you can choose your own level of participation. As the founder and President, I will be choosing and publishing a schedule of movies at least one month in advance, and all of the films will be available on Netflix. If you want to play along, great; if not, also great; if you've already seen the film in question and would like to chime in, great as well. Instead of writing a simple review, I will start a discussion thread so we can all review it and talk about it together. In order to keep myself fully invested (and to ensure that at least 1 person is reviewing every film), I have made a long list of the supposedly "classic" films that I have never seen, and we will be ticking them off one a week for the next couple of years. I compiled the films from a plethora of sources - the Mike Dub 100, the IMDB 250, Sight and Sound polls, award winners, and so forth; I am viewing this as the masters course in film studies that I will never take.

If you've always wanted to catch up on the classics of world cinema but never had an avenue, here it is. Old movies not your bag? That's also cool, as I will be spicing the proceedings with reviews of every new theatrical and DVD release that I see. There will be something for everyone who likes movies, and by the end, I fully expect to be the best film critic in the country, if not the world.

I will be e-mailing everyone in late October to remind you that The E Street Film Society is convening; if you think that I might not have your e-mail address but would like to be alerted, drop me a line at danielebarnes@hotmail.com. For now, you can check out The E Street Film Society for the initial slate of films. I hope to see you all there!

Love,

The Barnesyard

The Top 10 Jack Nicholson Movies

2008-08-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

I omitted from consideration any films where Jack isn't one of the 3 or 4 main characters. Thus, films like "Easy Rider" and "Reds" are in the running, while "Tommy" and "Broadcast News", for example, are not.

1) Chinatown
2) About Schmidt
3) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
4) The Last Detail (pictured above)
5) Five Easy Pieces (pictured below)
6) Easy Rider
7) Prizzi's Honor
8) The Shining
9) Batman
10) Carnal Knowledge

A Friendly Reminder...

2008-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

Everything Star Wars is great! Without exception!

Barnesyard + Shia 4-Eva

2008-08-25T08:48:00.001-07:00

The Top 40 Films of the Millenium

2008-08-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

This list was made for a couple of different reasons - first of all, in response to the Entertainment Weekly list of the New Classics in film, music, TV, etc. That list stretched all the way back to 1982, which I thought was a little silly, since it's pretty much understood that movies like "Pulp Fiction", "Goodfellas", "Blue Velvet" and the like are venerated classics. There's really no need to re-venerate them, since everyone had a year/decade/century/millenium-closing list back in 2000. It seems like the real question is about any "great" films produced in the 8 2/3 years since that time. More personally, 2000 was the year that I first had movie reviews produced in the Sac City Express and the News and Review, and it was when I initially started considering myself a quasi-professional critic. Thus, these are essentially the 40 best movies that have been released since I became a working critic. I would leave to hear which films you feel that I should or shouldn't have included here, especially anything obscure I might not have seen.

A couple of things to note - for the purposes of expediency, I included all three "Lord of the Rings" as one entity; however, I counted "Kill Bill" as two separate volumes and "Grindhouse" as one amorphous Experience. In all cases, it only served to boost the rankings of these films, and anyway it's my list and I can do what I want.

1) The Man Who Wasn't There (pictured above)
2) Lord of the Rings trilogy
3) About Schmidt
4) Requiem For a Dream
5) Kill Bill, Vol. 1
6) The Grindhouse Experience
7) The Rules of Attraction (pictured below)
8) Memento
9) I'm Not There
10) Bully
11) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
12) There Will Be Blood
13) Talk to Her
14) Punch-Drunk Love
15) Zodiac
16) The Prestige
17) The Squid and the Whale
18) Sexy Beast
19) Far From Heaven
20) City of God
21) Little Children
22) The Royal Tenenbaums
23) No Country For Old Men
24) 5X2
25) Borat
26) Before Sunset
27) Bad Education
28) Black Book
29) Team America - World Police
30) What Lies Beneath
31) Nine Queens
32) The Dreamers
33) Unbreakable
34) The Pianist
35) The Departed
36) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
37) Storytelling
38) The 40 Year-Old Virgin
39) The Secret Lives of Dentists
40) American Psycho

The 12 Most Important Directors of the New Millenium (2000-present)

2008-08-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

This list displays some obvious biases, especially the fact that are only 4 non-American directors, and only 1 (Almodovar) who specifically makes foreign-language films. But I can only rate the films that I've seen, so what are you gonna do. I excluded filmmakers who have made only one film this decade (e.g., Spike Jonze); additionally, anyone who didn't make more than one exemplary film (e.g., Michel Gondry, Noah Baumbach) or more than one film that I've seen (e.g., the Dardennes, Michael Haneke) were pretty much fucked. Beyond that, it's a fairly subjective list, and only accounts for my personal estimation of the filmmakers and their movies, rather than any cultural or popular "significance". I used my list of the Top 40 Films of the New Millenium, which will be published next week, to determine many of the rankings; the movies in parentheses are the reasons that they are here. Let me know what you think, and tell me about any excluded directors that you believe should be on this list.

1) Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill; Grindhouse/Death Proof)
2) Paul Thomas Anderson (Punch-Drunk Love; There Will Be Blood)
3) Todd Haynes (Far From Heaven; I'm Not There)
4) Christopher Nolan (Memento; Insomnia; The Prestige; The Dark Knight)
5) Joel/Ethan Coen (The Man Who Wasn't There; No Country For Old Men)
6) Pedro Almodovar (Talk to Her; Bad Education)
7) Michael Moore (Bowling For Columbine; Fahrenheit 9/11; Sicko)
8) Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings trilogy)
9) Martin Scorsese (The Aviator; The Departed; No Direction Home)
10) Alexander Payne (About Schmidt; Sideways; his segment in "Paris J'Taime")
11) Todd Field (In the Bedroom; Little Children)
12) Alfonso Cuaron (Y Tu Mama Tambien; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban; Children of Men)

Corndogtown and Deepfried Cheese-Boys

2008-08-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

There won't be much blogging today, since I'm taking a half-day to go check out the State Fair. This year, I'm going in with the gastronomic strategy of listening to my stomach, rather than getting dazzled by deep-fried novelties. Also, beer. Then some beer. And after that, beer. Air Supply is playing tonight; I originally intended to check out Grand Funk Railroad next week, but I stupidly double-booked. Jessica Simpson is playing on Monday night, so be sure to bring your binoculars and yell disgusting things at her.

Tomorrow will be the last week of MCUSA, so I am going to take the time this weekend (my first free one in a while, it seems) to make sure that it's worth your while. I will have the last Duelling Review (w/Becky), movie reviews, the last Dare Daniels, and maybe even one last Bump/Dump, time permitting. I'll work up a schedule tomorrow, along with one last Box Office Barnesyard.

Political News/Box Office Recap

2008-08-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

In our Vice-Presidential poll, 50 percent of MCUSA citizens opined that Democratic hopeful Obama should choose a jar of Little Richard's "no manners" as his running mate. None of the other candidates seemed to unite the people like The Georgia Peach's poop, although apparently 25 percent of you are Christo-fascist homophobes set on waging nuclear war with Iran. Personally, I voted for Evan Bayh from Indiana, because I believe that Obama needs to pair himself with a fresh young face, while Little Richard's scat still represents the "good old boy" politics of corruption and partisan rhetoric.

*************

I had a decent week picking the box office, correctly predicting 4 of the top 5 movies, including the #1 film in the country. Ben Stiller's "Tropic Thunder" finally unseated Batman at the top of the box office, although its $25 million take is nothing get too worked up about. The animated "Some Candy-Ass Shit" nabbed third place with a little less than $15 million, and has finally inspired the nation's film critics and fanboys to stop pulling their punches with Lucas (only twelve years too late, fellas, but thanks). The Keifer Sutherland horror flick "Mirrors" grabbed fourth place with $11 million, and Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" did well in limited release (I'm seeing it this weekend). Here's how the box office shaped up this weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Tropic Thunder (1)
2) The Dark Knight (2)
3) Some Candy-Ass Shit (4)
4) Mirrors (x)
5) The Pineapple Express (3)

I'm So Bored With the MCUSA

2008-08-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

MCUSA will be shutting down at the end of the month of August. It was a good run, but it's been about a year since I started MCUSA, and I never intended for this particular chapter of my blogging career to last any longer than that. Besides, I'm getting married in two months, and I feel that the wedding is more deserving of my attention at this point. I am currently working on ideas for a new blog that will be better, smarter, and more intently focused on film criticism (and specifically focused on establishing myself as the best movie critic in the world, and doing it on my own terms). The new blog will be called The E Street Film Society (www.estreetfilmsociety.blogspot.com) and it will be an interactive (if you want it) movie club open to all. It should start up sometime after the wedding, probably the first week in November, and I will have more details in the coming months. Until then, I will take the next couple of weeks to publish all of the MCUSA content I've been working on (including my Duelling Review with Heckasac over the original Scandinavian version of "Insomnia"). Thank you to everyone who ever read MCUSA and/or took the time to comment...you've all been an inspiration to me.

Love,

DB, President, E Street Film Society

The Top 10 Documentaries of the New Millenium

2008-08-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Recently, in a sort of response to Entertainment Weekly's list of 100 New Classic Films, I put together my own lists of the top 40 films, top 10 documentaries, and 12 most important directors of this millenium. The EW list stretches back to 1982, but given the rapid momentum of pop culture, it seems that films like "Blue Velvet", "Do the Right Thing", "Goodfellas", and even "Pulp Fiction" have been sufficiently venerated as classics for a decade now. On the other hand, the year 1999 seems like a watershed moment for film, a time that showed how new cinematic technologies available in the coming millenium could be used for the power of good, original storytelling ("Being John Malkovich", "Magnolia", "The Matrix", "Run Lola Run", "Fight Club") or for the purpose of pure, mercenary evil and greed ("The Phantom Menace").

Smaller, cheaper, higher quality cameras have certainly been a boon for documentaries this decade, and they make up a large segment of Netflix's Instant Viewing content. These are my 10 favorite docmentaries since the year 2000:

1) Bowling For Columbine (pictured below)
2) The Devil and Daniel Johnston (pictured above)
3) No Direction Home
4) Spellbound
5) Jim Brown: All-American
6) Deliver Us From Evil
7) Capturing the Friedmans
8) Sound and Fury
9) Murderball
10) The Kid Stays in the Picture

Box Office Barnesyard

2008-08-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

These Wednesday releases are really fucking up the Box Office Barnesyard flow. This week, the Ben Stiller satire "Tropic Thunder" opens mid-week in order to steal some of the fire from the Beijing Olympics. "The Pineapple Express" opened last Wednesday, and although "The Dark Knight" technically won the weekend, there's a bit of an asterisk next to it, as "Pineapple" did over $12 million on a mid-week opening day. All the weekend numbers prove is that stoners would rather stay at home and watch Misti May's gold medal-worthy caboose playing beach volleyball (p.s. - is women's indoor volleyball possibly the greatest sport known to man? You have six-foot-tall athletic women jumping around in booty shorts, knee socks, and ponytails. There's honestly nothing I dislike about that last sentence.). So what about "Tropic Thunder"? It kind of looks like a p.o.s. to these jaded eyes, but there should be enough curiosity to boost it into the #1 spot. Enough to make it profitable? Not a chance.

Opening on Friday is a certain animated film spun off from a certain series of prequels written and directed by a certain furry, rotund, soulless monster whose existence I refuse to acknowledge. He's possibly alien in origin...and possibly just a demonic hack put on this Earth to destroy the dreams of children. Also debuting is "Mirrors", some sort of J-horror flick starring Keifer Sutherland. I have not seen one single piece of advertising for this film, so all bets are off. Woody Allen's well-reveiwed "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" expands to over 600 screens this Friday, but I'm not sure if any are in Sacramento. Here's how I see the weekend's box office panning out:

1) Tropic Thunder
2) The Dark Knight
3) The Pineapple Express
4) Some Candy-Ass Shit
5) Mummy 3

Ranking Bogdanovich

2008-08-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

1) The Last Picture Show
2) What's Up, Doc?
3) They All Laughed (pictured below)
4) Targets
5) Paper Moon (pictured above)
6) Daisy Miller
7) Mask
8) Noises Off
9) Texasville
10) The Cat's Meow

HAVEN'T SEEN: At Long Last Love; Nickelodeon; Saint Jack; Illegally Yours; The Thing Called Love; the "Tom Petty: Runnin' Down a Dream" documentary; any of his TV movies.

In his 1970's prime, Bogdanovich was often considered one of the most overrated directors of the decade - the old guards felt bitterness due to his youthful tendency to borrow from the (then) still-living masters of the Hollywood Golden Age (Hawks, especially, but he was also close friends with Welles and several others); meanwhile, his stubborn insistence on lionizing Old Hollywood alienated him from the antiestablishment auteurs and their acolytes. In retrospect, Bogdanovich is the most UNDERRATED director of the era, an artist of immensely keen style and sensibility, and a born filmmaker. Between 1968 and 1974, he made five films of divergent genres, all of them great or near-great - the disturbing lone gunman movie "Targets", a sublime adaptation of McMurtry's "The Last Picture Show", the delightful "Paper Moon", the Hawks-inspired, pitch-perfect comedy "What's Up, Doc?", and a miscast (in the male lead, especially) version of "Daisy Miller" that may be the strongest indicator of his pure filmmaking talent. An homage to Astaire/Rogers musicals, "At Long Last Love" was an expensive dud (although it has its hardcore fans), and began a period of studio strongarming that resulted in compromised cuts of "Nickelodeon", "At Long Last Love", and "Saint Jack". Released in the early 1980's, the shimmering romantic comedy "They All Laughed" was both a career-capper and a de facto career-ender. Bogdanovich made the film while in the throes of new romance with Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten, and his ardor shows all over the finished product. When Stratten was killed by her estranged husband (for more info, see the sublimely sordid biopic "Star 80", which features ex-"Cheers" actor Roger Rees playing a Bogdanovich-like director making a "They All Laughed"-like movie), Bogdanovich persisted in releasing his cut of the movie, even disastrously sinking his own money into the project. Bogdanovich directed a few more studios movies in the 1980's (most notably "Mask", with Cher and Eric Stoltz), but since then he has reinvented himself as a cataloguer of old Hollywood, an occasional actor and director ("The Cat's Meow" may have been a return to form, but whose? The always-ephemeral "touch" has clearly abandoned him.), a gracious raconteur and bon vivant, and a stubborn promoter of the ascot. To be sure, the man has become a well-liked Hollywood relic (a la Welles, Hawks, and the rest of his old heroes) and backwards-looking fashion icon - Bogdanovich still dresses as though he just stepped out of a Ruth Chatterton picture. As Bogdanovich surely understood from the beginning, movie careers come and go, with all their moments of triumph, failure, and tragedy - the movies live forever.

Who Do You Trust?

2008-08-12T13:12:00.001-07:00

Obviously, I've been dwelling a lot lately on the public's antipathy towards film critics (and critical thinking in general), mainly because it seems to be at an all-time high. Paradoxically (or perhaps not, given the innate primitive urge to pick off the weak), critical influence is probably at an all-time low, diluted by sprawl, impenetrable marketing campaigns, cheast-beating studios, and the overall public distaste for "elitism" in whatever form they imagine it takes.

It seems that the relatively small percentage of people who still take critical opinion into high account when deciding what film to see have to trust these critics. I would say that the majority of these people probably have trusted Roger Ebert (and to increasingly lesser extents, Siskel and Roeper) for years. There have been a few critics that I've trusted in my life - greats like David Thomson and Andrew Sarris, but also mainstreamers like Siskel and Baltake in the 1980's, Owen Gleiberman in the 1990's, and perhaps a few others (note that I do not claim to AGREE with these critics every time out, but I do TRUST their opinion). I tend to like critics who can balance genuine insight, a desire for entertainment value, and a blind passion for the medium. These days, I can't think of a single critic that I trust implicitly (though since I've become a quasi-critic myself, I tend to read very few reviews) - I trust in the sea of critical opinion rather than any single wave.

So this leads to my poll question - Do You TRUST The Barnesyard? I'm looking for an honest answer here, not compliments. One of the things I've always loved most about film is that no matter how you approach a movie or break it down afterward, the ultimate arbiter is personal taste, which is relative and completely unquantifiable. There are people in print and in my life whose opinions I trust, and there are others that I don't. That doesn't mean either of us is wrong or that our opinions are stupid...they're just different, and that's why criticism is so exciting.

Frank Capra Ranked

2008-08-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

1) It's a Wonderful Life (pictured below)
2) It Happened One Night (pictured above)
3) Arsenic and Old Lace
4) Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
5) You Can't Take It With You
6) Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
7) The Bitter Tea of General Yen
8) The Miracle Woman
9) Meet John Doe
10) Broadway Bill
11) Lady for a Day

NOTABLE FILMS I HAVEN'T SEEN: anything before 1931; "Platinum Blonde"; "American Madness"; "Lost Horizon"; "State of the Union"; "A Hole in the Head"; "Pocketful of Miracles"

The top two films are on my Barnesyard 100 list; the top 6 are all great; the rest are all somewhere between compromised and terrible. Of the movies I haven't seen, "Lost Horizon" is by far the most praised.

At It Again

2008-08-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

The critic-hating critic Joe Baltake (aka The Thinking Man's CH) is at it again, this time in spirited defense of the ABBA musical "Mamma Mia!".

"With their noted attention to (easily-manipulated) minutia and with all the subtlety and pettiness of schoolyard bullies, America's diminished and diminishing movie critics have ganged up on this harmless, purely pleasurable film as if they were engaged in a personal fight with something the approximate size of - oh, let's see - the U.S. government.

You know, there's a reason why critics have been traditionally stereotyped as miserable people deserving of their misery."

Because they panned "Mamma Mia!", that's why! Still, Baltake's soft touch towards those unfortunate damned souls known as critics is a breath of fresh air from the invective hurled by the hoi polloi. I stumbled across a movie blog post from several weeks back decrying "the first negative review of 'The Dark Knight'" (from WSJ critic Joe Morgenstern). The responses in the comment section were almost uniformly in favor of beheading, gutting, and dismembering this and any other critical naysayers (often in unsettlingly specific detail); the few comparatively sane commenters merely advocated for mandatory prison rape for the offending critics. For Baltake to simply revel in the imagined misery of dissenting critics rather than concocting a "I Spit On Your Grave"-like revenge fantasy is actually treating these despicable curs with kid gloves. C'mon Joe...shouldn't some wild animal be feasting on the entrails of A.O. Scott? After all, he panned a movie that you enjoyed!

Barnesyard Movie Journal (July 5 - July 10)

2008-08-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

102) "Heavy Metal" (Gerald Potterton) (C+) First viewing on Netflix Instant.

103) "Team America: World Police" (Trey Parker) (A-) Fourth viewing on Roku. [pictured above]

104) "LoudQUIETLoud: A Film About the Pixies" (Steven Carter/Matthew Galkin) (C+) First viewing on Roku.

105) "Flesh + Blood" (Paul Verhoeven) (B) Second viewing on Roku.

106) "Mandingo" (Richard Fleischer) (B) First viewing on DVD. [pictured below]

107) "Wall-E" (Andrew Stanton) (A/A-) First viewing at Century Stadium.

My brother pushed me to see the 1970's cartoon anthology "Heavy Metal" after it was parodied in a recent episode of "South Park". It's a mixed bag of animated sci-fi-style stories barely connected by the ubiquitous presence of a green, glowing orb of concentrated evil and set to a soundtrack of hard rock classics. There are some neat ideas at work here, but the animation is pretty terrible (until the end, at least), the humor isn't funny, and the vaunted soundtrack is glorified background music.

"LoudQUIETLoud" is a boring behind-the-scenes look at the Pixies recent reunion tour. The music is, of course, great, but the live performacnes are just OK - pointedly, Frank Black assures a nervous Kim Deal that their thrilled fans won't mind if they phone it in. Die-hards may like it less than casual fans, especially since all of the band members come off poorly - Frank Black recites positive aphorisms ("People Like me. I am cute.") while laying on a tanning bed; Kim Deal lives in a post-rehab bubble; Joey Santiago has no discernible personality; and David Lovering is exemplified by his decision to "quit music to pursue his hobbies full-time, including metal deteching and magic" after the Pixies disbanded.

Richard Fleischer's overheated slavery drama "Mandingo" has been roundly dismissed as a sick, exploitative farce since its original release, to which I can only say: exactly! More than any film I've ever seen, "Mandingo" explores the irreparable degradation of slavery, portraying it as a matter-of factly vile, dehumanizing institution that leaves no room for the possibility of decency and nobility (a point driven home by the centerpiece fight scene, in which slaves are compelled to literally cannabalize each other in order to survive). In that sense,the movie is entirely unlike the hagiographic nostalgia of "Gone With the Wind" and its ilk, but it's also a sharp departure from "good intentions" portrayals of the era like "Roots" and "Glory". "Mandingo" is ultimately waylayed by uneven performances (James Mason growls effectively as the heartless plantation owner, but boxer Ken Norton is laughably stiff as the titular slave) and an overabundace of soapy melodrama, but in its own trashy way, it's also be one of the most "realitic" portrayls of American slavery I've ever seen.

Mush like "Mandingo", "Flesh + Blood" is so obsessed with the sordid, sanguine, and blasphemous details of its era (in this case, medieval Europe), that it lurches back and forth across the line between gross exploitation and stark period realism. Verhoeven made "Flesh + Blood" after emigrating to America in the 1980's, but before hitting it big at the end of the decade with "Robocop" and "Total Recall". This 1985 film tells the rambling, bloody tale of amoral soldiers of fortune out for revenge after they're doublecrossed by their roayl benefactor. Rutger Hauer, handsome and dull, is the leader of the gang, and a daisy-fresh Jennifer Jason Leigh plays a betrothed, oft-disrobed princess along for the ride. Unfortunately, Verhoeven couldn't quite rein in the story, and after a great beginning, "Flesh + Blood" goes astray in the final third.

This year, almost every big summer blockbuster also wanted to be a big, IMPORTANT summer blockbuster, so clumsily realized, Lucas-ian political softballs were inserted into almost every popcorn flick (which was more awkward - the inane reduction of the Middle East conflict in "Iron Man", Morgan Freeman's moral stand against illegal wiretapping in "The Dark Knight", or Wil Smith's homeless superhero touting corporate responsibility in "Hancock"? Dicuss.). On paper, "Wall-E" may have been the biggest offender (if you want, there are messages about ecological responsibility, the dehumanization of our disposable culture, and the lack of coherent communication in the mechanical age), but it is also the most charming, entertaining, and - dare I say it - profound movie I've seen this year. It also pushes the Pixar boundaries for family-friendly weirdness - the entire middle third of "Wall-E" one-ups the wonderfully odd "The Claw" sequence from "Toy Story". Recently, I've been critical of the soft touch Pixar gets from the critics (an extension of their deep-seated desire to go with the grain of mass opinion, thus validating their mythical "populist touch"), but this one more than earns its accolades.

Batman Poll Results

2008-08-06T14:54:00.000-07:00

There were 13 votes in the Batman Bump/Dump poll - if we assume that a) a vote for "All of the Above" translates to 1 vote apiece for all 6 Batman films, and; b) 7 out of 13 votes is necessary for a Bump, then only two Batman movies (the first one and the most recent one) get the Official MCUSA Bump. "Batman Begins" is right on the line with 6/13, with "Batman Returns" (5/13), "Batman Forever" (4/13), and the execrable "Batman Forever" (3/13) rounding it out. Thus, the MCUSA rankings:

1) The Dark Knight
2) Batman
3) Batman Begins
4) Batman Returns
5) Batman Forever
6) Batman and Robin

If I was going to rank them, it would look pretty much the same, with #'s 1 and 2 (and possibly #'s 3 and 4) inverted. I did finally see "The Dark Knight" this weekend, but rather than litter the front page of the blog with Spoiler Alerts and the like, I'm just going to start a "The Dark Knight" Discussion Thread tomorrow morning and put all of my thoughts on the film in the comments page.

Box Office Barnesyard - Wednesday Release to Counter-Program Against the Olympics Edition

2008-08-06T13:33:00.000-07:00

In order to avoid going head-to-head against the Opening Ceremonies of the Summer Olympics on Friday (people care, apparently), this weekend's two new releases are coming out today. First, there's "The Pineapple Express", the latest Judd Apatow anti-stoner stoner comedy for stoners (pick a side, Apatow! I know I've said this before, but what does it say about our times that even our teen sex/stoner comedies are preaching morality to us?). It's directed by David Gordon Green, who takes the Soderbergh "one for them, one for me" aesthetic to its logical extreme by releasing a morbid, critically acclaimed indie drama ("Snow Angels") and a stoner buddy comedy in the same year. A few friends have seen "Pineapple Express" preview screenings, and they were fairly enthusiastic. I'm tempted to pick "Pineapple Express" to trump last week's champ "The Dark Knight", but that would require pulling in at least $25 million in what even the studios expect to be a down weekend. Close call.

The other big release this week is "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" - this time, the pants travel to Cairo, where they witness a political assassination and get tangled up in international espionage, before ending with a thrilling high-speed boat chase through the canals of Venice. Whatever the movie is really about, it's less interesting than that.

Here's how I see the weekend box office shaking up:

1) The Pineapple Express (by a whisker)
2) The Dark Knight
3) Mummy 3
4) Sisterhood/Traveling Pants 2
5) Step Brothers

Guest Duelling Reviews - Guphy v. Barnesyard

2008-08-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

"Mahogany" (1975 - Dir.: Berry Gordy)

Continuing our summer series of guest Duelling Reviews, MCUSA welcomes local raconteur/gadfly Guphy into the octagon. She may be tough enough to fight forest fires, but can she handle that other destructive natural element - The Barnesyard - in a battle over the Diana Ross vehicle "Mahogany"? As ever, ladies first...

GUPHY'S TAKE:

I will admit that I was mad at Berry Gordy going in to this. We all know what he did to Jennifer Hudson in Dream Girls - he was a total dillhole to her! I wanted to hate this movie. I wanted him to fail. Imagine my disappointment when I ended up liking both the film and Berry Gordy's direction. It was so lush and beautiful and wonderfully styled that I was immediately enthralled. I could have stared at some of the photo shoot scenes forever - is this the point where I discuss how not sober I was?

Anyway, I loved "Mahogany" from Diana Ross’ first horribly overacted second on the screen. Her performance was sporadic throughout - she was always natural and in character when Billy Dee Williams was on screen, but otherwise it was pretty hit or miss. Maybe a prescription drug addiction was the culprit.

Definitely the best part of this film is the easy relationship between aspiring designer Tracy (Ross) and Brian (Williams), the grass roots politician. It may be the mustache and the quickness to smile, but Brian reminds me an awful lot of Burt Reynolds.

I think it’s a indication of the social depth of 1970's filmmaking in general that this somewhat fluffy film is actually a social statement about the urban renewal going on in Chicago at the time.

What did I ultimately learn from this film? A lot:

-Construction workers are racist assholes.

-If you become a supermodel, you lose your soul. There is about a 2 minute montage that drives this point home.

-Men will never support you in your dreams.

-Never date Anthony Perkins, I don’t care how gifted of a photographer he is.

-Everyone is mean and cruel, except in the welfare line. People in the welfare line are jovial and looking for fun.

-Fancy Italian shit cannot make you happy.

Important lessons, all. The movie also features a cringe-worthy fight scene between Brian and Sean (Perkins), the jet setter photographer who has given Tracy the name and persona of Mahogany. I may have even fast forwarded through it. The script is no gem, but the writing in that scene is particularly poor.

Other highlights include Brian wearing the red leather jacket that would soon become Michael Jackson’s signature piece, a car ride with Sean once again proves that you should never get involved with Anthony Perkins, and Tracy throwing a tantrum befitting a true diva.

GRADE: B.

THE BARNESYARD'S TAKE:

"Mahogany" is one of those films that, no matter how entertaining it is, couldn't possibly be more compelling than an in-depth documentary about its production. This follow-up to Diana Ross' successful 1972 turn as Billie Holliday in the Berry Gordy-produced "Lady Sings the Blues" was a trainwreck from the very start, and much of it stemmed from the tension in the personal/working relationship of Gordy and Ross.

The film sees aspiring fashion designer Tracy (Ross, whose performance goes straight from one extreme to the other) ditching her shining-knight politician boyfriend Brian (Billy Dee Williams, smooth as slick ice - the man could not act even if it meant preventing an asteroid from obliterating the Earth, but could he ever stand up straight, deliver his lines, and look like a million bucks doing it. So is he the black Burt Reynolds or the black Omar Sharif? Discuss.) to go traipsing off to a decadent Roman lifestyle as an internationally renowned supermodel. Late in the game, long after Tracy has debauched and debased herself, Brian delivers a particularly crucial piece of dialogue:

"Let me tell you something... Success is nothing... NOTHING!!! Without someone you love to share it with."

Now just imagine Berry Gordy saying that with his hands around Diana Ross' neck, and you probably have a pretty good idea of the Gordy-Ross relationship dynamic. It plays out both behind the cameras (Gordy fired Oscar-winning director Tony Richardson and took over the production himself; he eventually alienated Ross so much that she walked off the set) and in the twists and turns of the story. Consider: Tracy (i.e., Ross) is a preternatural talent who just wants to live an anonymous life as a fashion designer, yet craves the spotlight. She's torn between Brian (i.e., Berry Gordy), the noble agent of social change and community involvement who needs Tracy to give up her dreams and stand beside him, and Anthony Perkins' Sean (i.e., evil Berry Gordy), the corrupt, amoral pig who wants to exploit Tracy's fame and simultaneously crush her soul into powder (i.e., make the movie "Mahogany"). Completing the meta-circle, it was Ross who designed Tracy's fashion show creations.

The behind-the-scenes cacophony shows up in the finished product - like the performances, the story and tone are all over the map, and the Italian count may have been one sleazy but well-meaning boyfriend too many - but it's still an entertaining and colorful "A Star is Born"-type movie with a lot of cool stylistic flourishes (But are they Richardson's, Gordy's, or Gordy's uncredited shadow director? We'll probably never know...), even if it amounts to a well-mounted precursor to "Glitter". As Guphy mentioned in her review, one of the miracles of 1970's filmmaking is that even a gauche, big-budget vanity project like "Mahogany" can have a genuinely gritty style and an organically grown subplot about grassroots politics and urban renewal. Extra points are awarded for the Bruce Vilanch cameo, but despite it's many entertaining eccentricities, "Mahogany" is ultimately a little too spotty to merit a hearty recommendation.

GRADE: B-

Ranking Roman Polanski

2008-08-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

1) Chinatown
2) Knife in the Water (pictured below)
3) Rosemary's Baby
4) The Pianist
5) Macbeth (pictured above - SPOILER ALERT: Macbeth dies in this version)
6) Frantic
7) Oliver Twist
8) Repulsion
9) Bitter Moon
10) Fearless Vampire Killers
11) Death and the Maiden

HAVEN'T SEEN: anything before "Knife in the Water"; "Cul-de-Sac"; "What?"; "The Tenant"; "Tess"; "Pirates"; "The Ninth Gate"; "The Ghost" (a currently prepping political thriller starring Nic Cage and Pierce Brosnan due out next year)

Stick to the top 5; 6-10 are decent, but even completists will have difficulty making hay of "Death and the Maiden". Of the ones I haven't seen, I hear great things about "The Tenant" and "Tess". Can't say that I feel too enthusiastic about a political thriller starring Nic Cage and Pierece Brosnan, however.

Movie Review Week

2008-08-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

With all of this talk about Madame Tutly-Putly, the 13-minute version of "Ramrod", Kenny Loggins, and the scourge of global jihadism, MCUSA has taken a slight turn of late into inane incoherence. That's why this week I have decided to take back the streets, and return MCUSA to its ORIGINAL purpose: advocating for a safe, sensible policy of legalized female circumcision. But I'll get to that next week...in the meantime, this week will be dedicated to actual MOVIE REVIEWS. I'll catch everyone up on the movies I've been watching, duel with Guphy over the Diana Ross vehicle "Mahogany", and start releasing my recently compiled lists of the 40 best films, 10 best documentaries, and 12 most important directors of the new millenium.

Notable Quotables - An American CH in Dinuba

2008-08-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

-On "Good Luck Chuck" (pictured above): "Good Luck Chuck is a good romantic movie, but it's not great. It would have been a great movie if it didn't have too much sex, nudity and bad language."

-On "Balls of Fury": "I can't believe Christopher Walken went from playing John Travolta's husband in Hairspray to playing a ping pong freak within the same year."

-On "Charlie Wilson's War": "Charlie Wilson's War is more political than entertaining. When will filmmakers going to stop mixing politics with entertainment?"

-On "The Bucket List": "You don't have to be an old person to love this film."

-On "Slam Dunk Ernest" (pictured below): "The more I watch Ernest movies, the more I miss Jim Varney. I wish that he was still here. Jim Varney will be missed."

-On "Planet Earth": "If you love science and nature documentaries, and sick and tired of the garbage Michael Moore puts out, I recommend Planet Earth."

-On "The Big Lebowski": "Despite the f word being used 200+ times, The Big Lebowski is a good movie. You don't have to be a bowler to like this movie."

Box Office Recap - Called That Shit Edition

2008-08-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

OK, here's my pitch: an average, normal, everyday legislative manager/part-time film critic/fighter pilot/international adventurer suddenly becomes struck with an unusual superpower: the ability to accurately predict the domestic box office EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND. Of course, this alienates him from lesser mortals, but he receives a lucrative offer from a big Hollywood studio to sell his life story. However, when the movie comes out, he can accurately see that it will be a big-budget disaster - does he save the studio that is bankrolling him, or protect the busload of schoolchildren attacked by terrorists? Nic Cage plays the legislative manager; Jon Voight is the slimy movie studio exec who exploits him; Chris Matthews plays Chris Matthews.

Yes, The Barnesyard once again had the weekend box office in the palm of his hand - he called the come-from-behind victory for "The Dark Knight" (outgrossing "The Mummy" by just over $2 million), and he correctly predicted that "Swing Vote" (made for $21 million, much of it Costner's own cash) would finish outside of the top 5. Meanwhile, "Mamma Mia!" and "Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D" continued to be slow faders, shedding about 30 percent of their audience from last week. By comparison, "X-Files: I Want to Believe" dropped more than two-thirds of its first-week audience (RIP: any chance of a third "X-Files" movie). Here's how the top 5 shook out, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) The Dark Knight (1)
2) Mummy 3 (2)
3) Step Brothers (3)
4) Mamma Mia! (4)
5) Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D (5)

Box Office Barnesyard - Mummy v. Batman Edition

2008-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

After two weeks way out in front at the box office, "The Dark Knight" faces its first significant competition this weekend with the release of Rob Cohen's "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor". The first two Mummy movies did big business (Cohen actually helmed the quasi-sequel "The Scorpion King", not the Brendan Fraser pictures), so even if this is a diluted (Rachel Weisz' and her eyebrows were priced out of the production), too-late-to-adequately-cash-in second sequel to a film that was hardly beloved in the first place, let's assume that "The Dark Knight" has to pull in at least $40 million to make it interesting, and at least $50 million to ensure victory. "The Dark Knight" grossed $75 million last weekend, so if it only sheds 40 percent of its audience, it should make for a tight race. I'm predicting that Batman makes it three in a row, but that could just be the cock-eyed, Brendan Fraser-despising optimist in me.

The only other major release this weekend is "Swing Vote", a dreadful-looking political "satire" starring Kevin Costner that debuts on 2000 screens. I haven't even seen a preview for "Swing Vote", but in a recent interview, Costner claimed that he makes movies for the people, not the critics, which is p.r.-speak for "We've got a steaming pile on our hands." It will have to earn at least $7 million just to crack the top five, a difficult task even given the name recognition of the cast (Costner, Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammer, Nathan Lane, Judge Reinhold...wait, Judge Reinhold??!!).

Locally, the Tower debuts the remake of Evelyn Waugh's "Brideshead Revisited" (best known via a 1980's British TV adaptation starring Jeremy Irons), starring Matthew Goode and Emma Thompson. Meanwhile, the Crest re-plays the spy movie "OSS 117", the opening night selection from the French Film Festival. They also will debut the 2006 documentary "The Singing Revolution", about dissident sing-alongs in Communist Estonia, another cash cow for the Crest.

Here's how I see this weekend's domestic box office shaking out:

1) The Dark Knight
2) Mummy 3
3) Step Brothers
4) Mamma Mia!
5) Journey 3-D (two Brendan Fraser movies in the top 5? Don't say you weren't given ample warning...)

UPDATE

2008-07-31T16:16:00.000-07:00

Who says that democracy doesn't work? As expected, the citizens of MCUSA have elected both to resume military action against the pathetically unapologetic Jesse, and to return our society to the decent American values of shows like "JAG", "Cold Case", and "Two and a Half Men". Congratulations on your undeniable moral superiority! Once the lingering after-effects of the nuclear apocalypse pass - undrinkable water, unbreathable air, horrible mutations, flesh-eating zombie-ism, etc.etc.etc. - I am certain that future post-society generations will regard us as visionaries and heroes.

Barnesyard Movie Journal (June 16 through July 1)

2008-07-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

90) "High School" (Frederick Wiseman) (A). First viewing on DVD.

91) "Up For Grabs" (Michael Wranovics) (B). First viewing on Netflix Instant. [pictured below]

92) "Super High Me" (Michael Blieden) (C+). First viewing on DVD.

93) "Sin City" (Robert Rodriguez) (A-). Third viewing on DVD.

94) "The Godfather" (Coppola) (A). Umpteenth viewing on DVD.

95) "Tbe Incredible Hulk" (Louis Leterrier) (B). First viewing at Century Laguna at 11:00 a.m.

96) "If This Is Tuesday, It Must Be Belgium" (B). First viewing on DVD.

97) "Harum Scarum" () (D/D-). First viewing on DVD. [pictured above]

98) "Pink Floyd - Live at Pompeii: Director's Cut (Adrian Maben) (C+). First viewing on DVD at DP's house.

99) "Mongol" (Sergei Bodrov) (C). First viewing at Crest at 8 p.m.

100) "Reservation Road" (Terry George) (C-). First viewing on DVD.

101) "Wanted" (Timur Bekmambetov) (C+). First viewing at UA Laguna at 8:00 p.m.

"Super High Me" and "If This is Tuesday..." were covered in the News and Review; "Reservation Road" was reviewed by me and Alice a couple of weeks back. "High School" is a sublimely observant 1968 documentary that Dub clued me into - it's both a Vietnam-era time capsule and a timeless examination of the way that schools act as a repressive, socializing force on young people. "Up For Grabs" is a shallow but entertaining documentary about the brouhaha over Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball. "Harum Scarum" is one of the most dreadful Elvis movies, a not-even-amusing-as-camp trifle starring The King as a celeb caught up in ineptly shot international intrigue. The Pink Floyd doc, all about the runup to the band's concert amid the ruins of Pompei, is an odd duck mixture of compelling live footage and monstrously egotistical interviews. "The Incredible Hulk" is about as good as a phoned-in film can get, helped immensely by solid work from Ed Norton, William Hurt, and Liv Tyler's hips. "Mongol" feels like an interminable 170-minute epic shaved down to an interminable (and oft-nonsensical) two hours, although it features some neat, blood-spitting battle scenes. Watch your back: it's the first in a planned trilogy. "Wanted" is a weird mix of an amoral quasi-snuff film and a bootstrap-lifting social satire, sort of like if "Fight Club" had been directed by Michael Bay's comparatively cheap Russian counterpart. It's thrilling, original, and kinda sexy, yes...but it sure ain't fun. About "The Godfather", all I can say is that every frame of the film, including (even especially) the numerous flaws and slip-ups (the timeline of the film is utterly skewed - unless I'm mistaken, Pacino kills Sallazzo, fles to Italy, marries and becomes a widower, returns to the States, and fathers two adolescent boys with Diane Keaton in the same time it takes Talia Shire to gestate one infant!), feels like it could only be shot that particular way. It's as if "The Godfather" arrived with all the fully formed authenticity of actual experience, and rewatching the film is like recalling the memory - not a single shot, line of dialogue, or facial expression could ever be any different.

Ranking Levinson

2008-07-30T16:03:00.000-07:00

1) Bugsy
2) Wag the Dog
3) Avalon (above)
4) Diner
5) Tin Men
6) Bandits
7) Young Sherlock Holmes (below)
8) The Natural
9) Rain Man
10) Disclosure
11) Toys
12) Good Morning, Vietnam
13) Sleepers

Stick to the top 5; #'s 6-10 are entertaining enough, but you'll hate yourself in the morning. Scanning the "Haven't Seen" list below, it appears that I have escaped the most egregiously awful aspects of Levinson's ouevre.

HAVEN'T SEEN: Jimmy Hollywood; Sphere; Libery Heights; An Everlasting Piece; Envy; Man of the Year; What Just Happened? (releasing this fall...maybe)

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Part 29 - Brendan Fraser Edition

2008-07-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Releasing on Friday - "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor". The Barnesyard Sez: Go See It! Twice!

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Part 28 - Computer-Animated Hayden Christensen * Edition

2008-07-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

"The Clone Wars" - The Barnesyard Sez: Go See It!

* 75 percent more lifelike than an actual, out-of-the-box, factory-model Hayden Christensen

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Part 27 - Shia Le Beouf Edition

2008-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Eagle Eye" - The Barnesyard Sez: Go See It!

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Part 26 - Dane Cook and Jason Biggs edition

2008-07-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

"My Best Friend's Girl" - The Barnesyard Sez: Go See It!

Box Office Barnesyard Recap

2008-07-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Once again, The Barnesyard displayed an almost inhuman prescience in predicting the weekend box office. As expected, "The Dark Knight" fought off all comers, easily holding on to the #1 spot with a $75 million take. That brings its total to over $310 million; looking at the all-time box office numbers, it seems quite likely that "The Dark Knight" could challenge the $460 million combined haul of "Star Wars". A generous awards season, strong repeat business, and a typically weak August slate of films could even put it within spitting distance of the $600 million haul of "Titanic", the highest-grossing film of all-time. And I haven't seen it yet.

Of the new releases, "Step Brothers" had a respectable $30 million take, while the second "X-Files" movie was met with even more apathy than I expected, pulling in only $10 million. It placed fourth behind "Mamma Mia!", which only lost 35 percent of its audience from last week. Here's how the weekend top 5 shaped up, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) The Dark Knight (1)
2) Step Brothers (2)
3) Mamma Mia! (4)
4) X-Files: I Want to Believe This Movie Should Have Opened in Early February (3)
5) Journey to the Center of a 100-Foot Tall, 3-D Brendan Fraser (5)

*************

In world news, it appears that the citizens of MCUSA have elected to censure Nobel Peace Prize candidate/avowed jihadist Jesse, demanding that he issue an immediate, heartfelt apology to the good-timin', smooth-smith rocker Kenny Loggins. Jesse could not be reached for comment, but high-ranking insiders tell us that his failure to make a sincere apology in an expedient manner could threaten the tenuous peace settlement in the Battle of Bob Dylan (aka Operation Leopard Skin Pill-Box Hat).

**************

All week long, The Barnesyard will be previewing upcoming movies in his initimable, pictorial manner. This week's slate of previews is especially exciting, as it showcases all of the actors working today that I admire the most. Check back later today for the first installment.

Box Office Barnesyard - last week of July edition

2008-07-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

There are two new big debuts this week, but it's all a race for second place, as "The Dark Knight" is expected to haul in another $70-80 million this weekend. Both "X-Files: I Want to Believe" and "Step Brothers" are opening on just over 3000 screens. Normally, I would lean franchise, but I don't sense much of a groundswell of excitement for a new "X-Files" movie, so I will give the slight edge to the Will Ferrell comedy "Step Brothers".

Locally, the only new addition is the 1990's nostalgia comedy "The Wackness", co-starring Ben Kingsley as a pot-smoking headshrinker. It plays at the Tower, while the Crest shows the second week of the Sacramento French Film Festival. Here's how I see the box office shaping up this weekend:

1) The Dark Knight
2) Step Brothers
3) X-Files
4) Mamma Mia!
5) Journey 3-D (sadly, not an IMAX doc about Steve Perry, but rather the Brendan Fraser adventure flick)

Ranking Otto Preminger

2008-07-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

1) Anatomy of a Murder (below)
2) Bonjour Tristesse
3) Laura
4) Fallen Angel (above)
5) Bunny Lake is Missing
6) Whirlpool
7) The Man With the Golden Arm
8) The Cardinal
9) Advise and Consent
10) Carmen Jones
11) Angel Face
12) River of No Return
13) The Court-Martial of Billy Mitchell
14) Saint Joan

#'s 1-3 are classics; 4-6 are pretty damn close; 7-10 are quality "issues" pictures of the 50's and 60's; "Saint Joan" is the only howler on this list, with Jean Seberg channeling Annette Funnicello to portray Joan of Arc.

HAVEN'T SEEN (among others): Forever Amber; Daisy Kenyon; The Fan; Where the Sidewalk Ends; The Moon is Blue; Porgy and Bess; Exodus.

Ranking Arthur Penn

2008-07-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

1) Bonnie and Clyde (above)
2) Alice's Restaurant
3) Little Big Man
4) The Miracle Worker
5) The Left-Handed Gun
6) The Missouri Breaks (below)
7) Night Moves
8) The Train
9) The Chase

HAVEN'T SEEN: Mickey One; Four Friends; Target; Dead of Winter; Penn and Teller Get Killed

There's only one great film on this list (although it's a doozy), but there also isn't a single bad film; I'll especially vouch for the top 7. Penn's ouevre was idiosyncratic, heavily antiestablishment, and often underappreciated - sort of a Hal Ashby who made genre pictures.

Box Office Recap

2008-07-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Two potential blockbusters went head-to-head at the box office this weekend - in one corner was "The Dark Knight", the immensely anticipated Batman sequel; in the other, "Space Chimps", an animated cartoon with the voice "talent" of Jimmy Fallon. In the end, only one could be the champ, and it was "The Dark Knight", shattering all records with a $155 million opening weekend. "Space Chimps", despite its comparatively low-key marketing campaign, only grossed $7 million, a piddling gross that does not bode well for the future of the "Space Chimps" franchise.

Elsewhere, "Mamma Mia!" counterprogrammed fairly effectively for a $27 million gross. On his blog, ex-Bee critic Joe Baltake savaged "the critics" (much like CH, Joe imagines all critics as a single entity working in lockstep) who acted "too cool" for "Mamma Mia!" and ABBA music in general. Joe likes ABBA, but that's because he doesn't care about being cool, which is totally way cooler! Of course, the problem with "Mamma Mia!" (and every jukebox musical, really) is that it's like listening to a shitty cover band doing tinny versions of ABBA songs without the rich, creamy production value that made the originals into pop classics. People have been trying to push me to see "Jersey Boys" for years now, but no one seems to comprehend that I can dig The Four Seasons and yet not want to touch this "Smokey Joe's Cafe"-style bullshit with a ten-foot-pole. These jukebox musicals force you in the unusual position of arguing against something you love.

Here's how the weekend box office shaped up, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) The Dark Knight (1)
2) Mamma Mia! (2)
3) Handcock (3)
4) Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D (x)
5) Hellboy 2 (5)

***********

Elsewhere, the tenuous detente reached in the Bob Dylan/Tutly-Putly conflict continues to be threatened by Jesse's mule-ish refusal to offer more apologies. Looking at the poll, I see a lot of traction for the movement to force Jesse to apologize to Huey Lewis, and frankly I don't blame anyone. Jesse has a long and bloody history of oppressing Huey Lewis, and you all want revenge. I get it. But in the end, I still feel this comes down to a religious issue, and nothing will ever really change until Jesse quits whichever perverted jihadist cult he belongs to, apologizes to Glenn Frey, and accepts the sax riff from "You Belong to the City" as his Lord and Saviour.

Box Office Barnesyard - July 18 Edition

2008-07-18T16:20:00.001-07:00

Not much going on at the box office this week - just a small, underhyped little crime film called "The Dark Knight". I'm not sure why the studio is refusing to promote this film, as it has received a smattering of positive reviews from the critics. Seriously, "The Dark Knight" would likely shatter all box office records, if it weren't over 2 1/2 hours long; as is, Warner Bros. will have to be satisfied with a mere $120-130 million opening weekend.

In the always humiliating but occasionally profitable "indestructible blockbuster counterprogramming" slot, we have the adaptation of the ABBA musical "Mamma Mia!" and the animated feature "Space Chimps" (with voice work from The Barnesyard's nominee for Official Prince of Darkness, Jimmy Fallon). "Mamma Mia!" has a chance to make some coin playing against the considerably heavier, young male-skewing "Batman" film. "Space Chimps"? Not a fucking chance.

Locally, the Tower is debuting three new movies - "Brick Lane", a London-set drama about an unhappily married Pakistani woman; "Savage Grace", with Julianne Moore (the non-fiction novel, about the perverted heirs to the Bakelite fortune, got great reviews, but the movie has been less fortunate); and Werner Herzog's newest "Encounters at the End of the World", a documentary about researchers in Antarctica. Is "Encounters..." one of Herzog's profound examinations of the unsteady coexistence between man and nature, or is this one of his "narrate-some-icky-prose-over-found-footage-and-call-it-a-film" projects, a la "Lessons of Darkness" and "The Wild Blue Yonder"? I wish I knew.

Returning from last week, "Handcock" holds on to 3776 screens, the unbelievably charming "Wall-E" (I haven't seen the new Batman movie yet, but "Wall-E" may be the one film this summer you can pay for and not feel like an asshole afterwards; GRADE: A/A-) shows on 3310 screens, "Hellboy 2" on 3200 screens, and "Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D" on 2830 screens. Here's how I see the domestic box office shaking out this weekend:

1) The Dark Knight
2) Mamma Mia!
3) Handcock
4) Hellboy 2
5) Wall-E

Ranking Fincher

2008-07-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

1) Fight Club (above)
2) Zodiac (below)
3) Se7en
4) The Game
5) Panic Room
6) Alien3

Two unqualified masterpieces and two unqualified duds, with a profoundly influential genre film and an adventurous (if forgettable) Michael Douglas picture in between. Can anyone put their finger on this guy? "Zodiac" is probably the better film than "Fight Club" but the Norton/Pitt movie holds an undeniable significance in my life (probably stemming from my days as a schizophrenic, nihilistic, bare-knuckle boxing terrorist cell leader). Up next is Fincher's highly anticipated adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", with Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett (i.e., "Oscar Loves Cate Blanchett"; TM Barnesyard Productions 2007), and Tilda Swinton (i.e., "Oscar Loves Tilda Swinton"; TradeMark pending - Barnesyard Productions 2008). The film is already considered a frontrunner for the awards season, and the dialogue-less preview (apparently about a backwards-aging man) looks pretty f-ing awesome.

BREAKING NEWS!

2008-07-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Dateline: Sacramento

A crucial detente has been reached between warring pro-Bob Dylan and anti-Bob Dylan factions. The anti-Dylan jihadist leader Jesse finally apologized to Mr. Dylan last weekend for his innumerable offenses against the great folk-rock singer. Pro-Dylan/Tutly-Putly/13-minute of "Ramrod" spokesman The Barnesyard, in response to Jesse's apology, was heard to exlaim, "About fucking time! Now apologize to Glenn Frey!" More information on the details of the peace settlement were not available as of press time.

Earlier in the day, Mr. The Barnesyard had started the peace train moving by apologizing to Brad Miller. The Barnesyard admitted that he had not given the suspended Sacramento Kings center enough credit for being a pot-smoking slacker, claiming that he thought Miller was "merely fat and lazy".

Ranking Lumet

2008-07-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

1) Dog Day Afternoon (below)
2) Network
3) The Verdict (above)
4) 12 Angry Men
5) Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
6) Fail-Safe
7) Family Business
8) Murder on the Orient Express
9) Serpico
10) Running On Empty
11) The Wiz
12) Q&A
13) Guilty as Sin
14) Critical Care

HAVEN'T SEEN (among others): Stage Struck; The Fugitive's Kind; Long Day's Journey into Night; The Pawnbroker; The Hill; Equus; Prince of the City; Deathtrap; The Morning After; Night Falls on Manhattan.

The top 3 are great; 4-7 are good to very good; 8-10 are so-so, the reputation for "Running On Empty" particularly overinflated; stay away from 11-14. I hear good things about "Long Day's Journey...", "Prince of the City", and "The Pawnbroker". Is/was he a great director? I don't think so, but with a good script, good actors, and the right conditions, he's better than almost anyone.

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Vol. 12 - "Madagascar 2"

2008-07-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Vol. 11 - "Tropic Thunder"

2008-07-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

Later today: Volume 12!

Ranking Robert Rodriguez

2008-07-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

1) Sin City (above)
2) Planet Terror (below)
3) Once Upon a Time in Mexico
4) El Mariachi
5) Desperado
6) From Dusk Til Dawn
7) The Faculty
8) Spy Kids
9) Four Rooms *

HAVEN'T SEEN: Spy Kids 2/3-D; Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl

The top 2 really stand head and shoulders above everything else. His Mariachi films are enjoyable as pure entertainment; the rest on this list don't even make that cut. Rodriguez is one of the most crucial filmmakers of our day, for reasons that have little if anything to do with his development as a director/artist.

The "What the Fuck?" Film News of the Week

2008-07-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

Werner Herzog is prepping a quasi-remake/sequel of Abel Ferrara's 1992 film "Bad Lieutenant", tenatively titled "Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call New Orleans", to star Nic Cage and Val Kilmer as the corrupt cops.

What the Fuck?

Ranking Chaplin

2008-07-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

1) City Lights (below)
2) Modern Times (above)
3) The Gold Rush
4) M. Verdoux
5) The Circus
6) The Great Dictator
7) The Kid

The top 3 films are stone-cold comedic masterpieces, essential elements of anyone's film education and funny as hell to boot. #4 and 5 are often overlooked and underrated; #6 is usually a bit overrated, but still very good before going off the tracks at the end.

Guest Duelling Reviews -- Go Ask Alice

2008-07-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

This is the first in a series of Guest Duelling Reviews with MCUSA citizens and local muckety-mucks (although KJ has yet to accept my Duel to watch and review "Juwanna Mann"). Today, I am Duelling with Alice, the famed redhead and frequent MCUSA commenter, over Terry George's 2007 release "Reservation Road". Ladies first...

ALICE'S TAKE:

"Reservation Road", adapted from some book I've never read by John Burnham Schwartz, takes on a heart-wrenching topic but delivers nothing particularly complex or moving in the end. In a small New England town, a family of four loses their son to a hit and run accident, and the perpetrator is a struggling father with too much to lose to fess up. The parents of the victim descend into typical Hollywood-engendered roles of grief, with mom underfunctioning while dad fuels his ability to cope with anger and the quest for some kind of justice. The film doesn't expand much beyond this basic premise, unfortunately, and the plot often feels contrived, barely snagging your intellect or emotions despite some high intensity scenes that pop up occasionally. Making the perpetrator of the hit and run accident a lawyer doesn't successfully up the ante on the lame-ass "there is no justice in the legal system" quip that occasionally plays in the background while dad is seeking help from his on-line support group. Rather, it winds up feeling like a sophomoric attempt to inject some kind of tension into the plot that the script and actors can't create on their own.

The performances from Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Ruffalo also feel underwhelming, especially in comparison to the under-utilized Jennifer Connelly, who proves over and over again that you can suck as a teenager opposite David Bowie in a kid's fantasy film and still emerge as a decent talent (especially if you're fucking hot). Ruffalo doesn't succeed in demonstrating the kind of psychological torture his character should be feeling and Phoenix (whose face looks like someone rubbed a piece of shit across it and called it a beard) alternates between clenched-jaw, spittle-heavy preaching and brooding in a corner. Had you shaved the beard and put some golden laurels around his head, parts of this performance would fit right into his turn as Peter O'Toole's sociopathic son in 'Gladiator'. Although I don't know much about Ruffalo's career, it seems that his choice to do this film was a strategy to show he's an actor with more meat on him than previous roles as the cuckold boyfriend would suggest. However, once the narrative gives Ruffalo a chance to deliver on all the turmoil his character is meant to have suppressed throughout the film, it feels like too little too late, and I actually found myself feeling embarrassed for him.

Ultimately, Reservation Road is a pretty forgettable and predictable film. While you might find yourself breathing a sigh of relief that you don't live in a small, incestuous New England town where no degrees of separation exist between you and everyone else, you probably won't remember much else about it after the closing credits fall on an uninspiring and hasty denouement.

GRADE: C.

************

DAN'S TAKE:

Barely released in theaters, last fall's "Reservation Road" tells essentially the same story as the far superior "In the Bedroom" - a conservative New England father goes off the rails and contemplates vigilantism when his son's killer evades justice. Unfortunately, "Reservation Road" tells the whole story in shorthand, where "In the Bedroom" filled in the blanks with multiple levels and nuances of character, emotion, narrative, theme, cinematography, and most everything else that makes for lively, interesting, emotionally involving filmmaking.

Joaquin Phoenix plays the grieving father (it's a bit of stock performance, and he feels about 10-15 years too young for the part), and the film opens on Phoenix and family celebrating their son's genius at an idyllic band recital. But since Jennifer Connelly is cast as Phoneix's wife, you know some depressing-ass shit is about to go down (do you know the last movie she made that wasn't depressing, dark, and/or "issues"-heavy? "The Rocketeer"! The woman does not do light comedy.). The vehicular manslaughterer is played by Mark Ruffalo, and as if that doesn't make him unlikeable enough, he's also a Red Sox fan (Ruffalo can be great in the right part - "You Can Count On Me", "Zodiac" - but I'm still placing the over/under on him starring in a CBS police drama as a "loner cop who cares too much" at 3.5 years). Returning from Fenway Park with his boy one night, he hits Phoenix's son with his car, killing him instantly, then speeds off. Ruffalo decides to hide the evidence and protect himself, while Phoenix becomes obsessed with the driver. Ruffalo's guilt mounts as the two men keep crossing paths - Phoenix hires Ruffalo for legal assistance, and Ruffalo's ex-wife is the piano teacher of Phoenix's daughter (bad luck to hit-and-run in a town with only a handful of speaking parts).

It all leads to a BIG MORAL CONFRONTATION, but none of it feels earned, because we were never invested in the characters. Once you figure out that Phoenix is the straight-arrow family man screwed by the system and Ruffalo is the lifelong screw-up whose guilt tears him up inside, the picture writes itself. After the first few minutes, you're just waiting for it to play out, like a game of chess that was decided 10 moves ago. I couldn't help thinking that it would have been more interesting and unexpected if Ruffalo was the straight-arrow and Phoenix was the unlikeable screw-up with the temper. But instead of this quasi-"Telltale Heart" bullshit, when Phoenix hires Ruffalo as his lawyer, have Ruffalo protect himself by leading Phoenix on a wild goose chase through the twists and turns of the legal system. There, I just wrote a better draft of "Reservation Road" - and yet Pixar would have you believe that critical reviews are invariably inferior to the tripe they're reviewing.

GRADE: C-.

Duelling Reviews - DB v. CH, Part 3

2008-07-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

We have yet another entry in the thrilling showdown between critic basher CH and critic defender DB. This time, they will be reviewing Stanley Kubrick's last film, the posthumously released "Eyes Wide Shut". As usual, their reviews were written separately, and without any advance knowledge of what the other person thought about the film.

"Eyes Wide Shut" (1999; Dir.: Stanley Kubrick)

CH'S TAKE:

This is the worst movie that Tom Cruise and Nichole Kidman ever made. Film critics need to learn that all because this movie was done by the late Stanley Kubrick, doesn't mean it is a good movie. Stanley Kubrick's films doesn't need a lot of bad language, sex and nudity to be good. Again, this movie is horrible. There are a lot of filmmakers out there that made movies better than this movie.

DAN'S TAKE:

This is the worst movie that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman ever made. Film critics need to learn that all because this movie was done by the late Stanley Kubrick, doesn't mean it is a good movie. Stanley Kubrick's films doesn't need a lot of bad language, sex and nudity to be good. Again, this movie is horrible. There are a lot of filmmakers out there that made movies better than this movie.

Hey, wait a minute...

The Barnesyard Reviews the New Releases

2008-06-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Another thumbs up!

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Releases, Part 3 - "Meet Dave"

2008-06-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

Box Office Barnesyard Recap ("The Love Guru" Tank-a-Palooza Edition)

2008-06-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

As expected, "Get Smart" won the weekend easy, grossing just a fraction under the $40 million take I predicted. The big story this weekend, however, was the anemic performance of the Mike Myers comedy "The Love Guru" (above), which opened in fourth place with just $14 million (a number likely to decrease when the actuals are announced later today). "The Love Guru" had stinker written all over it for months, and it is tempting to think that its abject failure signals an upward trend in discriminating audiences. Yeah, right...the same discriminating audiences that have already made "10,000 B.C.", "What Happens in Vegas", "Meet the Spartans", "Prom Night", and "Jumper" into hits this year alone. Can't fool them! "The Incredible Hulk" and "The Happening" both fell off over 60 percent from their first-week grosses, which bodes poorly for the shelf life of those two films. The movie with real staying power this week was "Kung Fu Panda", which fell just 30% and actually beat "The Incredible Hulk" (below) for the #2 spot (though their estimates are close enough to be changed by the actuals). Here's how the box office played out this weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Get Smart (1)
2) Kung Fu Panda (4)
3) The Incredible Hulk (2)
4) The Love Guru (3)
5) The Happening (5)

Two in a Row

2008-06-23T13:56:00.001-07:00

The 5,000 Fingers of Box Office Barnesyard (June 20 Edition)

2008-06-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

For once, I believe our informal, highly unscientific poll is right on the money - "The Love Guru" looks like a real piece of shit, and I feel like everyone knows it. As reported in Entertainment Weekly, it's not only a wild, ribald, extremely racist, light-hearted comedy, it's also a serious platform for Myers' vast and varied spiritual beliefs, helped along by his close friendship with Deepak Chopra. Good times. The knives are coming out for this one; it opens on 2700 screens.

By comparison, "Get Smart" (above) starts to look pretty good (I'm picking this one as CH's Movie of the Week...I'm predicting five stars). It's no smash hit or anything, but if "The Incredible Hulk" falls off by 50 percent (a conservative estimate, in my opinion) from last week's $55 million total, $30 million wins the week easy. Opening on 3911 screens, "Get Smart" shouldn't have much of a problem.

Locally, the Crest opens the documentary "Surfwise" and the Italian film "My Brother Is an Only Child". The Tower debuts "The Flight of the Red Balloon", with a blond Juliette Binoche (below), and "The Children of Huang Shi", starring Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. "Red Balloon" and "My Brother..." have received good critical notices; the other two not as much.

Here's how I see it playing out at the box office this weekend:

1) Get Smart (something in the neighborhood of $40-45 million)
2) The Incredible Hulk
3) The Love Guru
4) Kung Fu Panda
5) The Happening

Duelling Reviews - DB v. CH, Round 2

2008-06-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

"The Fantastic Four" (2005; Dir.: Tim Story)

DAN'S TAKE:

What can you say about a film that pours Jessica Alba into skintight lycra and still fails even as gutter entertainment? Roger Corman's cheap-o 1994 version of "The Fantastic Four" was shelved and buried so that it wouldn't "taint" this major studio version of the Marvel comic book, just to create this sub-"Spy Kids" juvenilia. How bad is the acting? Let's just say it's the last time Chris Evans will ever act circles around anyone. "The Fantastic Four" is ideal entertainment for children who don't appreciate the comparatively nuanced approach of "Karate Dog".

CH'S TAKE:

Fantastic Four is a fantastic movie. The film critics weren't fantastic about it, but who cares. Mr. Fantastic should stretch out the reviews and tear them to shreds. The Invisible Woman should make the reviews disappear. The Human Torch should burn the reviews. The Thing should give the film critics some clobbering time. Even though the movie is slow at some parts, it is still enjoyable to watch. I enjoy these comic book adaptations. If you like comic book adaptations, I would recommend Fantastic Four.

**********

Later today: Box Office Barnesyard

RIP - Cyd Charisse's Sweet Fucking Gams

2008-06-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Actress/dancer Cyd Charisse passed away earlier this week at the age of 84. She was classically trained and danced with Ballets Russes before coming to Hollywood. Charisse co-starred with MGM heavyweights Gene Kelly ("Singin' in the Rain", "It's Always Fair Weather") and Fred Astaire ("The Band Wagon", "Silk Stockings"), and although she never became a major star, but she is infamous for having the sweetest fucking gams in the history of film. Without further ado, a memorial retrospective to Cyd Charisse's legs:

Ranking Ridley Scott *

2008-06-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

1) Blade Runner (above)
2) American Gangster
3) Thelma and Louise
4) Black Hawk Down
5) Matchstick Men
6) Alien
7) Kingdom of Heaven
8) Legend
9) Gladiator
10) Hannibal
11) 1492: Conquest of Paradise

*Haven't Seen: The Duellists; Someone to Watch Over Me; Black Rain; White Squall; GI Jane; A Good Year

Even the top 3 films on my list are all compromised entertainments - do you get the impression that I'm not a fan? Honestly, I think Ridley Scott is the most ridiculously overrated director of his generation. "Blade Runner" is his best and boldest film, but what does it say about Scott's chaotic modus operandi that it has taken him a quarter century and several different recuts in order to "realize his vision"? The net effect of the Scott ouevre is pretty pictures poorly put together. His next film is "House of Lies", an issues-oriented actioner starring Russell Crowe and Leo DiCaprio that releases in October.

Local Blogger Finishes Sunday Times Crossword; Hindus, Christians Declare Him "Our New God"

2008-06-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

My brain - now with healing powers.

The "Ratatouille" Quote That Pisses Me Off

2008-06-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so."

-Anton Ego, EVIL critic

Remarkably, many real-life, self-despising critics (film and otherwise) have embraced this ethos; EW even claimed that "Ratatouille" explored "the role of the critic in society". The only role proposed here seems to be that critics have no place in society, and that the scientific community should be hard at work on a remote control that turns them off. Actually, that "bitter truth" that Anton Ego speaks of is a load of self-serving horseshit. I can't accept that a "piece of junk" like "Krippendorf's Tribe" is more "meaningful" than my review of same. Are you tough enough to take the "Krippendorf's Tribe" challenge? I didn't think so.

Duelling Reviews - DB v. CH

2008-06-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is the first in what I hope will be a series of Guest Duelling Reviews. Who else would I select as my first opponent but the notorious CH? Today, we square off on the Adam Sandler comedy "Click".

"Click" (2006; Dir.: Frank Coraci)

DAN'S TAKE:

Desultory even for a Sandler vehicle, "Click" is one of the comic's "see-I'm-just-a-regular-sensitive-guy-with-a-family" films (in other words, about 20-25% fewer crotch gags), and it's about as appealing as any of Robin Williams' or Jim Carrey's sticky-sweet "family" concept comedies. Sandler is a workaholic dad who comes across a universal remote for his life, but he finds himself addicted to the technology and estranged from his family. The remote comes from Bed, Bath, and Beyond - don't you love it when they work the product placement into the narrative? It's so much less distracting. "Click" is a lot like a version of "It's a Wonderful Life" where you don't care if George Bailey jumps off the bridge.

CH'S TAKE:

Let me guess. Adam Sandler is the latest celebrity to get a lot of disrespect from film critics? Maybe he should use the remote control to turn off the film critics. They didn't stop people from seeing the movie. I thought that this was a good movie. It had a good story to it. If you are a fan of Adam Sandler or you love It's a Wonderful Life, you will love Click. Please someone invent a remote control that turns off film critics. People like me are tired of them.

Barnesyard Movie Journal (June 1-June 15)

2008-06-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

81) "Charlie Wilson's War" (Mike Nichols) B-. First viewing on DVD.

82) "Stepmom" (Chris Columbus) F. First viewing on DVD.

83) "The Walker" (Paul Schrader) B-. First viewing on DVD.

84) "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (Nicholas Stoller) B. First viewing at Century Stadium.

85) "The Assassination of Jesse James" (Andrew Dominik) B. First viewing on DVD.

86) "Master of Disguise" (Perry Andelin Blake) F. First viewing on DVD.

87) "Glitter" (Vondie Curtis Hall) C-. First viewing on DVD.

88) "Semi-Pro" (Kent Alterman) C. First viewing on DVD.

89) "Starting Out in the Evening" (Andrew Wagner) B. First viewing on DVD.

"Stepmom" was covered in full a couple of weeks ago; "The Walker" is coming up in the News and Review; "official" reviews of "Jesse James", "Master of Disguise", and "Glitter" are on the way. "Charlie Wilson's War" posits an interesting question - can one transcendant supporting performance uplift mediocre material? As real-life Congressman/Taliban arms supplier/regular guy Charlie Wilson, Hanks is rascally but ever noble, as though contractually obligated to protect the burnish of his Captain America image: one butt shot, but only by body double; promiscuous yet faithful, drinking but never drunk, coke in the room but not up the nose. Despite a large budget and two A-list stars (although Julia Roberts' performance is essentially an above-the-line, glorified cameo), "Charlie Wilson's War" has the "hot-button" smallness of one of Nichols' HBO productions. However, Philip Seymour Hoffman almost pulls the whole enterprise together as Gust Avrokatos, a surly, rumpled superspy who owns the screen from his first scene on. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is a solid Apatow entry about a musician who falls apart after his actress girlfriend leaves him. The gag is that Jason Segal's cuckold is so "sensitive" and "emotional", he's practically a woman (a little girl, even). As usual, Apatow and co. are baffled by women, but "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" gives a great showcase to That 70's Show alum Mila Kunis (above and below), The Barnesyard's Official Finest Woman in Films Today. "Semi-Pro" is an odd duck, and not a very funny one at that. It feels like someone wrote a "Slap Shot"-style draft revolving around the ABA, and at some point during development, it was rewired as a "wild and crazy" Will Ferrell comedy. I unaplogetically love Ferrell, but this one is pure auto-pilot. "Starting Out in the Evening" is a smart and sensitive story about a reclusive, ascetic novelist (Frank Langella, fantastic) and the young literary journalist who tries to pry open his hermetic worldview. It's a good film - well-acted, rich with detail, and emotionally rounded - but once again you get the impression that the filmmakers are just as confounded by the female characters as Langella's novelist.

He Has the Sight

2008-06-15T21:56:00.001-07:00

As predicted by The Barnesyard, "The Incredible Hulk" easily won the week with $54 million at the domestic box office (you may recall that I pegged it squarely in the $50-60 million range). I also correctly predicted that M. Night Shyamalan's latest turd "The Happening" would open in third place, behind "Kung Fu Panda". In fact, I fucking nailed this week to the wall, guessing all 5 of the top 5 American movies in the correct order. And just to prove how little I care about these 2 hot, expensive new releases, I am going to close this post NOT with a promotional still, but with a thoroughly unnecessary cheesecake shot of Spanish-language pop star/soap star Dulce Maria. That's your ass, Hollywood fatcats!

The Worst Nic Cage Movies*

2008-06-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

Keeping in mind that I haven't seen such seemingly qualified gems as "The Weather Man", "Lord of War", "National Treasure 1/2", "Captain Correlli's Mandolin", Family Man", "8MM", "City of Angels", "Guarding Tess", and a few others. Any elucidation of these films by the informed electorate of MCUSA would be most welcome. Credit where credit is due: Cage has some of the most entertaining toupees, pieces, and combovers in movie history.

1) Windtalkers (THE WORST - deadly dull, genuinely unwatchable John Woo war film; ironically, of all the films on this list, "Windtalkers" may be the least Cage's fault...but brother, he suuuure didn't help)
2) Snake Eyes
3) Gone in 60 Seconds
4) Con Air
5) Trapped in Paradise
6) Next (above)
7) Amos and Andrew
8) The Rock
9) It Could Happen to You
10) Ghost Rider (below)

The 7 Faces of Dr. Box Office Barnesyard - June 13 Edition

2008-06-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

"The Incredible Hulk" is this weekend's heir apparent at the box office. $40 million takes the weekend, so it won't have to put up "Iron Man" numbers to nab the #1 spot. It opens on 3500 screens, and I don't sense an enormous amount of excitement about it, so I'll place "The Incredible Hulk" in the $50-60 million range. The other wide release is M. Night Shyamalan's latest turd, "The Happening", starring Mark Wahlberg. "Lady in the Water" opened to less than $20 million two summers ago, and although I expect "The Happening" to perform slightly better, I still don't see it cracking the top 2. It opens on 2987 screens.

Locally, the Tower opens Claude LeLouch's latest, "Roman de Gare" (pictured below). It looks like another yet stylish, twisty, time-looping what-the-fuck from LeLouch, but this one has received great notices from coast to coast. Meanwhile, the Crest is premiering the new Merchant Ivory production "Before the Rains" (pictured above), starring Linus Roache in a tastefully steamy romance set in colonial India. Not what you would call a great catch, but Crest fans have no fear: they open "Surfwise" on June 20.

Returning from last week, "Kung Fu Panda" shows on 4136 screens, "You Don't Mess With Zohan" on 3466 screens, "Crystal Skull" holds on to 3800 screens, and "Sex and the City" plays on 3155 screens. "The Incredible Hulk" wins the week pretty easy; "Kung Fu Panda" is an obvious second, probably around $35-40 million. The question is whether "The Happening" can outgross the second week of "Zohan", which should probably earn $15-20 million. I'm gonna say that "The Happening" nudges "Zohan" out of the way for third place.

1) The Incredible Hulk
2) Kung Fu Panda
3) The Happening
4) You Don't Mess W/ Zohan
5) Mutt Williams and the Saucer Men From Mars

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Films, Part II

2008-06-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

Looks like good watchins' ahead!

The Barnesyard Previews Upcoming Films, Part I

2008-06-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

The Barnesyard to Mutt Williams: "Hey, Fuck You, Buddy"

2008-06-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Finally, a doll that teaches young children to play with knives, and all it took was the unholy convergence of George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Shia LeBeouf, all three possibly alien in origin.

Barnesyard Movie Journal, Part III (May 13-May 30)

2008-06-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

71) "Iron Man" (Jon Favreau) First viewing at West Wind 6 Drive-In (B)

72) "Rififi" (Jules Dassin) Third viewing on DVD (A)

73) "Merrill's Marauders" (Samuel Fuller) First viewing on DVD (C)

74) "War/Dance" (Sean Fine/Andrea Nix) First viewing on Netflix Instant Viewing (B)

75) "King Corn" (Aaron Woolf) First viewing on DVD (B-)

76) "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" (Jon Hurwitz/Hayden Schlossberg) First viewing at West Wind 6 Drive-In (B-/C+)

77) "Some Came Running" (Vincente Minnelli) Second viewing on DVD (A-) [pictured below]

78) "What Happens in Vegas" (Tom Vaughan) First viewing at West Wind 6 Drive-In (D-)

79) "I'm Not There" (Todd Haynes) First viewing on DVD (A) [pictured above]

80) "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (Spielberg) First viewing at Century Downtown (D)

"Merrill's", "War/Dance", "King Corn", and "Some Came Running" were all reviewed in the News and Review. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the new Indiana Jones movie; you'd think I'd have a strong, definite opinion by now. "Iron Man", like every comic book franchise start-up these days, is top-heavy with creation story. Do we really care HOW so-and-so superhero became so-and-so- superhero? Wouldn't it be more interesting to see Iron Man kicking ass (a la the first Burton "Batman") rather than follow a long-winded lead-up explaining the where's and why's of his eventual ass-kicking? It just proves that movies are conceived as trilogies or series rather than as individual films, much to their detriment, even in a better-than-average entry like "Iron Man". You want the big pay-off? Well, then you better buy tickets for "Iron Man 2" in Summer 2010. The story seems cobbled together from several different drafts of "Iron Man", but by and large, the movie works, mainly because Favreau and company gave room for the development of AN INTERESTING HUMAN CHARACTER (how novel!), and they don't dilute Robert Downey, Jr. (much). I don't often get vicariously embarrassed for actors asked to perform in humiliating scenes, but then most actors are never asked to simulate a three-way with a giant bag of weed, as they are in "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay". If anything, the sequel is even more slapdash than the original, but Neil Patrick Harris' drug-addled self-parody and a sitdown with a stoner President Bush provide much-needed highlights. "What Happens in Vegas" is a romantic comedy about two utterly contemptible people court-ordered into a relationship. We're supposed to root for Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher to fall in love, but since we're far more invested in seeing the both of them dismembered and devoured by a family of bobcats, the set-up falls flat. "I'm Not There" isn't just a movie about Bob Dylan songs, it IS a Bob Dylan song: mercurial, compelling, and contradictory, legendary yet intimate, sincere yet sarcastic, a slave to its references and influences yet wholly original. How can director Todd Haynes simultaneously create (much like his "Far From Heaven") a deconstructionist allegory and a heartfelt personal story? Six different actors represent different aspects of Dylan's art and personality (as well as the overlap), but "I'm Not There" is anchored by a brilliant performance from Cate Blanchett as the "Don't Look Back"-era hipster Dylan (the gag is that she's the only 1 of the 6 "doing" Dylan). "Grindhouse" was the better "experience"; "There Will Be Blood" feels like it was made for the ages, a la "Lawrence of Arabia"; but "I'm Not There" is the greatest film of 2007.

Box Office Barnesyard Roundup

2008-06-09T13:36:00.001-07:00

The Barnesyard once again defied the pundits to pick all 5 of the top 5 movies at the American box office this weekend, including the #1 film. As predicted, "Kung Fu Panda" bested "You Don't Mess With Zohan", although both performed robustly. I almost had the entire top 5 in the correct order, but "Sex and the City" fell off by 63 percent from its opening weekend, which allowed "Crystal Skull" to take the #3 spot by $1.5 million. It's a slim enough lead to be the margin of error between the studio estimates and the box office actuals, so I'll check again later today to see if their positions switch. Here's how the box office shaped up this weekend, with my predictions in parentheses:

1) Kung Fu Panda (1)
2) You Don't/Zohan (2)
3) The New Adventures of Mutt Williams (4)
4) Sex and the City (3)
5) The Strangers (5)

I watched "Master of Disguise" yesterday, which may explain the gastrointestinal distress I've been feeling ever since. Look for a new Dare Daniel later this week; I will also have another Dare Daniel of the Mariah Carey opus "Glitter" up either late this week or early next.

The Biggest Cocksucker!

2008-06-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

After a close start, Lucas pulled far ahead to claim the title of The Person Most to Blame for the New Candy-Ass Shit Indiana Jones Movie, besting Spielberg 10-3. Check out this well-traveled piece about the bitterness of Frank Darabont, who spent a year working on a script that Steven Spielberg "loved", only to run into Lucas' brick wall of a brain. I especially liked Darabont's elucidation of the Lucas creative process:

""I told him (Lucas) he was crazy. I said, 'You have a fantastic script. I think you're insane, George.' You can say things like that to George, and he doesn't even blink. He's one of the most stubborn men I know."

Nobody blamed Ford or LeBeouf for the Indiana Jones debacle, yet 1 voter blamed "some other guy". You have to wonder exactly who this "other guy" is.

The Fiendish Plot of Box Office Barnesyard - June 6 edition

2008-06-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

The two big-ticket releases this weekend are the animated cartoon "Kung Fu Panda" (pictured below, opening on 4114 screens) and the Adam Sandler comedy "You Don't Mess With Zohan" (3462 screens). I know what you're thinking: "Which one of these utterly exciting new releases do I run out and blow a day's pay on first? They're both just so fucking thrilling!" Tough call, but I see the nation leaning toward "Kung Fu Panda"; after the glut of animated movies last year, when a new "star-studded" cartoon was released seemingly every other week, this year has been fairly light on movies aimed squarely for children (besides the new Indiana Jones, which couldn't possibly entertain anyone over the age of 8). Sandler's box office record has been spotty as of late, but "Zohan" should perform solidly, maybe $30-40 million versus $40-50 million for "Kung Fun Panda".

Locally, the new Harmony Korine movie "Mister Lonely" opens at the Tower (suddenly, "Kung Fu Panda" looks pretty good), and the French film "Priceless" (pictured above, starring Audrey Tautou) debuts at the Crest.

Returning from last week, "Indy 4" still has the most screens nationwide with 4200, "Sex and the City" holds on to 3325 screens, "Narnia 2" still has 3065 screens, "Iron Man" finally moves to the second tier of release with 2931 screens (legs for days, that "Iron Man"), and "The Strangers" clings to 2477 screens. "Sex and the City" was the champ last week, and its robust mid-week grosses augur well for this weekend, but did anyone REALLY like it? I get the impression that any good feelings about the film are a result of obligation, nostalgia, and plain wishful thinking...is it the female "Crystal Skull"? Or is "Crystal Skull" the everybody's "Crystal Skull"? Here's how I see the domestic box office shaping up this weekend:

1) Kung Fu Panda
2) You Don't Mess With Zohan
3) Sex and the City
4) Indiana Jones
5) The Strangers (barely holding off "Iron Man" and "Prince Caspian")

Tune in on Monday to congratulate me.

A Fortuitous Pause

2008-06-05T17:40:00.001-07:00

I almost forgot that I grabbed this screencap of "Stepmom" after I paused the movie at a particularly striking moment for Julia Roberts' face. Enjoy!

One Dare Daniel in the Tank

2008-06-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

You know what that means...I need more dares! Send me your best Dare Daniel/Bump or Dump suggestions. I'll do the rest. In the Indiana Jones poll, it looks like it will be down to the wire between Spielberg and Lucas. Which is one is the bigger cocksucker? Tune in tomorrow to find out. Nobody seems to blame Ford or LeBeouf for this debacle, and a few of you REALLY liked the cartoon monkeys. Go figure.

Dare Daniel: "Stepmom"

2008-06-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Stepmom" (1998; Dir.: Chris Columbus)

At the end of Chris Columbus’ mummified would-be tearjerker Stepmom, there is a credit that reads, “In Loving Memory of Irene Columbus,” a reference to the director’s mother, who had died a year earlier. This lets the viewer know that the phony, maudlin tripe they just rolled their eyes through has an emotional connection to the filmmaker, that Stepmom is the kind of deeply personal movie that could only told by five (credited) writers and eleven producers. Exploiting your own mother’s death to just wring one last tear out of the Christmas 1998 moviegoing audience might seem like an all-time low, even for the man who could go on to direct Bicentennial Man, but that’s what you get from a feel-good cynic like Columbus.

Stepmom did alright at the box office, pulling in about $90 million, but the story is so enervated it barely qualifies as a film; it feels more like a package deal put together by a talent agency. Julia Roberts is a “hip” photographer who has recently moved in with corporate lawyer Ed Harris. He has two kids from his previous marriage to Susan Sarandon’s imperious upstate Earth mother, a bratty teenage girl (Jena Malone) and a mop-topped little boy obsessed with magic. The relationships are all pretty firmly established even before the film starts, so there’s nothing to do but to listen to Roberts’ and Sarandon’s voices out-quaver each other (Stepmom features some of the most laughable fake crying in film history) and wait for Sarandon to get cancer. Sarandon gets cancer less than halfway through Stepmom, which leaves the viewer in the morally awkward position of rooting for a mother of two to croak, if only because it would bring about the end of the movie. I spent my grieving period screaming, "Fucking die already, bitch!" at the screen (OK, it wasn't THAT morally awkward).

Like Sarandon’s character, both of the kids despise Roberts and her relationship with Harris, and the semi-literate script forces them to recite some truly vile dialogue. Trust me when I say that the dialogue in Stepmom goes far beyond the boundaries of mere incompetence and offensiveness into some truly vile territory. I could post a litany of jaw-droppers straight from the script, but instead I’ll just refer you to the Stepmom “Memorable Quotes” page on IMDB. Some of my personal favorites are when the precocious little boy tells Sarandon, “Mommy, if you want me to hate her...I will”, and when the teenage girl screams, “Mommy’s dead! Isabel’s your mommy know!” at her little brother when Sarandon tells them she has cancer. It’s really disturbing to hear such young children speak such vile, unctuous words; I would rather my child star in a Hostel film than torture them with this swill. If you’re going to make the kids say such terrible things to Roberts and Sarandon, you should at least back it up with a movie about divorce and death that is serious, sincere, and penetrating; in other words, the type of movie Columbus wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.

Instead, Sarandon just contracts one of those movie cancers, in which you become more incandescent and wise as you slowly slip into a symptom-less offscreen death (the movie ends not with Sarandon's death, but with Roberts and Sarandon posing for a Christmas card together). Roberts and Sarandon snipe at and undermine each other for the first two-thirds, then spend the final third misting up (the glycerine budget alone must have been staggering) and whispering Oprah-lite affirmations. We’re supposed to find their “feisty” spunkiness charming, but mostly the two actresses just aggressively spew spunk at each other. The viewer of Stepmom is left feeling as though they were covered in spunk as well, humiliated and degraded by the lifeless performances (Ed Harris is mostly MIA, but even his usual reliability can’t save the show; he mostly appears benumbed and abashed), the aforementioned napkin sketch of a script, John Williams’ goopy score (this genre isn’t exactly a strong suit for the man) and Columbus’ pathetic inability to either shape a scene or inject any of his personality into the film.

Someday, I would like to do a complete analysis of the role of karaoke in the contemporary women’s picture. Has there been a single rom-com in the last decade in which karaoke was not the catalyst for emotional breakthroughs and bonds? Anything with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Garner, or Brittany Murphy that didn’t involve some pointless caterwauling over pop songs? I should point out that I am not talking about actual musicals per se (e.g., Hairspray, Chicago, etc.), but rather romantic comedies and other female-skewing genres that appropriate karaoke out of context in order to stimulate the 1980's nostalgia receptors in the brain as well as stand in for any actual emotional bonds and breakthroughs that would have to be earned by competent acting, writing, and directing. It would seem that My Best Friend’s Wedding, in which karaoke was the proving ground for - hey now - Cameron Diaz’s would-be bride, launched the movement. However, Stepmom was also at the vanguard, proving that no family tragedy, personal bias, or cancerous growth is so terrible that it can’t be instantaneously wiped away by lipsynching “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” into a comb.

Allowing the karaoke virus to spread throughout the romantic comedy genre is no great loss to me - the rom-com has been dead to me for decades - but I hate to see it infect even a claws-out weeper. It makes me think that if they remade Mildred Pierce, Joan Crawford and her daughter, instead of being torn apart by their love for the same man, would just hash out their differences over a pajama-clad rendition of “Wannabe”. I don’t have anything else to say about Stepmom, but I would like to add that Sarandon and her young son “go on dates” in their dreams, and plan on hooking up again even after her death. I’ll let you draw your conclusions on the motivations of the filmmakers in these scenes.

Before I close up this edition of Dare Daniel, I can’t resist posting one last example of the truly vile dialogue/borderline child abuse that permeates Stepmom. This exchange is between Harris and his young son.

Ben Harrison (Harris): Can you fall out of love with your kids?
Luke: No. That is impossible!
Ben Harrison: Like Mission: Impossible!

GRADE: F.

The Anti-Statist Film Critic

2008-06-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite film critics these days is Scott Holleran, who writes for www.boxofficemojo.com. This is not an endorsement of Holleran, as I generally only read critics who are dunderheaded ideologues (they are a lot funnier than the competently dull crowd, and usually don't give away the plot in any sensical manner). It figures that Box Office Mojo - a site dedicated to daily grosses, advertising strategies, and release schedules - would hire a hardcore free market capitalist as its house critic. Even giving his usual baffling penchant for equating a film's quality with its allegiance to his own anti-Statist viewpoint, Holleran's review of "Indiana Jones and the Whatever Whatever" is one of his all-time best (headlined "Flaws Don't Ruin Sequel"...how's that for equivacation?). In the very first sentence of his review, he urges all filmgoers to go out and pay $10 to see the Indiana Jones film, then spends the rest of the review ticking off its faults. His main criticism: Spielberg is too "soft" on Communists. Just so you don't think I'm taking this out of context, here is the full quote from Holleran's review:

"Of course, they are not commies in the proper sense, and that is ultimately a drawback. Despite a line about dictator Josef Stalin, Indiana Jones is soft on the Reds."

Ranking Sydney Pollack - RIP Edition

2008-06-04T13:51:00.001-07:00

1) They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
2) Tootsie
3) Out of Africa
4) The Firm
5) Sketches of Frank Gehry
6) The Yakuza
7) This Property is Condemned (above)
8) The Interpreter

The top two films on this list are great, and will stand the test of the time. "They Shoot Horses, Don't They" is a soul-crushing Depression-era story about tortured souls competing in a marathon dance contest; "Tootsie" is a formula comedy lifted up by the unusual conviction of the performances and the legitimacy of the feminist subtext. "Out of Africa" is an Oscar-winning epic that is better than you'd think, if you can get past Redford as the great white hunter. "The Firm" is one of the better Grisham adaptations, for whatever that's worth. "Sketches" is an entertaining but hardly penetrating documentary. "The Yakuza" was a Paul Schrader screenplay that needed a director with Schrader's passion. "This Property is Condemned" is a pretty dull small-town melodrama, despite featuring Natalie Wood in the full bloom of her 1960's sex kitten-hood. "The Interpreter" is dreadful. Not for nothing was Sydney Pollack's actor-muse Robert Redford - pleasant, likable, ambitious, successful, and ultimately limited in talent and lacking personality. That sums up the Pollack ouevre.

Of course, there are many films by Pollack, who passed away last week at the age of 81, that I haven't seen, which significantly diminishes the quality of this list. Some of the more notable omissions are "Jeremiah Johnson", "The Way We Were" "Three Days of the Condor", "The Electric Horseman", and "Absence of Malice". After winning the Oscar for "Out of Africa" in 1985, Pollack only made four films over the next 20 years, and 3 of them were notorious bombs - "Havana", "Random Hearts", and the remake of "Sabrina". During this period, he had more notable career as a producer (including "The Fabulous Baker Boys", "Searching for Bobby Fischer", "Sense and Sensibility", "The Talented Mr. Ripley", and "Michael Clayton") and actor (his acidic, against-type performance in Woody Allen's "Husbands and Wives" was one of the best of the decade).

On his movie blog, Joe Baltake says that if he "were to put together my own mini-Sydney Pollack film festival, he would include "The Way We Were", "The Electric Horseman", and several others I haven't seen. If I were to put on a Sydney Pollack film festival, I would think better of it. Incidentally, did you know ex-Bee critic Joe Baltake has a movie blog, The Passionate Moviegoer? How does it stack up to MCUSA, you ask? Well, he calls Mike Judge's "Idiocracy" a "strangled masterwork" (on the level of "L'Atalante", to hear him tell it), and he included "Norbit" in his top 10 of 2007, so let's just say there's some discrepancies there.

The Barnesyard's Revised Top 10 of 2007

2008-06-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

I finished watching "Stepmom" on Monday, but my review was interrupted by an impromptu BBQ at DP's, where Gabe grilled one of the top 3 steaks I have ever consumed. It was like eating New York steak-flavored butter. I didn't get a chance to write it last night, because I decided my time would be better spent playing NBA Live and watching Hell's Kitchen with Darcey (you're my boy, Petroza!). I promise I'll write the Dare Daniel tonight; until then, I have lists. Here is my revised top 10 list for 2007.

1) The Grindhouse Experience (with special regard for the Expanded Edition of "Death Proof")
2) I'm Not There (above)
3) There Will Be Blood
4) Zodiac
5) No Country For Old Men
6) Black Book
7) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
8) King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (below)
9) The Lives of Others
10) Perfume: A Story of a Murderer

At the end of the day, it looks like 2007 was a pretty solid year for movies, with a formidable top 5 that I would stack up against any other this decade.

Barnesyard Movie Journal, Part II (April 22-May 7)

2008-06-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

62) "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" (Jake Kasdan) First viewing on DVD (B-)

63) "The Orphanage" (Juan Antonio Bayona) First viewing on Netflix Instant Viewing (B)

64) "Dumbo" (Ben Sharpsteen) Umpteenth viewing on DVD (A)

65) "Baby Mama" (Michael McCullers) First viewing at West Wind 6 Drive-In (C+)

66) "Pan's Labyrinth" (Guillermo del Toro) Second viewing on DVD (A-)

67) "Rendition" (Gavin Hood) First viewing on DVD (C)

68) "No Reservations" (Scott Hicks) First viewing on DVD (D+)

69) "Sunshine" (Danny Boyle) First viewing on DVD (B)

70) "Bandits" (Barry Levinson) Third viewing on DVD (B)

"Walk Hard" (above) has its moments, but not enough of them, although I particularly liked the Brian Wilson bit, in which Dewey Cox packs his recording studio with farm animals and tribal musicians. "The Orphanage" was a solid, well-shot chiller, although a bit touched with the post-"Sixth Sense" gooeyness that has invaded this genre. "Baby Mama" is a mediocre vehicle that cashes in on the likability of Fey from her genuinely good TV show 30 Rock; is it me, or is Amy Poehler flat-out unfunny? I hope Fey doesn't let their friendship drag her down. "Rendition" is a pretty lifeless film about a terrorist bombing, with some egregious miscasting (Reese Witherspoon, particularly), but it has an interesting twist at the end. "No Reservations" is a non-film. "Sunshine" (below) is hardly the next "2001", but it's a neat mindblower about a spacecraft headed straight for the sun; as usual, Cillian Murphy does as little acting as possible.

Barnesyard Movie Journal, Part I (April 2-April 22)

2008-06-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

49) "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" (Tim Burton) First viewing on DVD (B+)

50) "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (Spielberg) Umpteenth viewing on DVD (A)

51) "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" (Spielberg) Umpteenth viewing on DVD (A-)

52) "The Shaft" (Dick Maas) First viewing on OnDemand (C)

53) "Hollywood Chinese" (Arthur Dong) First viewing at Grand Lake Theatre in Lake Merritt (B)

54) "Bigger Than Life" (Nicholas Ray) First viewing on DVD (B+)

55) "Barton Fink" (Joel/Ethan Coen) Fourth viewing on DVD (A)

56) "Across the Universe" (Julie Taymor) Second viewing on DVD (B)

57) "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" (Carl Reiner) First viewing on OnDemand (C+)

58) "Beowulf: The Director's Cut" (Robert Zemeckis) First viewing on DVD (B)

59) "Outing Riley" (Pete Jones) First viewing on Netflix Instant Viewing (F)

60) "Smoke" (Wayne Wang) Fourth viewing on DVD (B)

61) "Lust For Life" (Vincente Minnelli) Third viewing on DVD (B)

"Sweeney Todd" (below) had great performances, good music, and a dank, bloody atmosphere, but like every Burton film, it trips up at the end. Fortunately, it's more of a "Batman"/"Ed Wood"-level slip-up, rather than a full-blown "Big Fish". Regarding Indiana Jones, I am pre-emptively resisting any attempts at Star Wars-style revisionist history that apologizes for the crappiness of the new release by retroactively slagging the originals. The first three Indiana Jones films are great, and I will love watching them until the day I die. Accept no substitutes, especially if they involve Shia LeBeouf swinging on a vine with cartoon fucking monkeys. "The Shaft" is a cheapo horror movie about a killer elevator co-starring a pre-"Mulholland Drive" Naomi Watts in a succession of calf-print purple leather skirts; needless to say, the film is a bit of an oddity. "Bigger Than Life" features James Mason in a strong, 1950's "issues" melodrama about a pill-addicted dad driven to messianic excess. "Barton Fink" (above) keeps getting better every time I see it - the Coens' movie is a pungent study of artistic pretension flailing in an anti-art environment, an oddball allegory of fascism, and a colorful Hollwyood picaresque (with stand-ins for William Faulkner, Clifford Odets, and Louis B. Mayer, among others) all in one; "Smoke" and "Lust For Life", for all their respective streetwise charm and color-saturated visual flair, keep getting worse. "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid" works for about 20 minutes, then it just makes you wonder why you're not watching the actual excerpted film noirs instead of this tepid comedy. "Beowulf" is an entertaining adventure with a surprisingly mature subtext for a motion-capture cartoon. "Outing Riley" is by Project: Greenlight Season 1 winner Pete Jones. Just as Jones' "Stolen Summer" was the most heartwarming anti-Semitic screed ever filmed, "Outing Riley" is disgustingly homophobic movie disguised as a heartwarming story of "tolerance". Jones was insufferable as himself on "Project: Greenlight", yet he casts himself in the lead role of the closeted youngest brother of an uptight Chicago Catholic family. As if that weren't disastrously egomaniacal enough, Jones' character also frequently breaks character to talk straight to the camera. Unfathomable pretension, even by the "Project: greenlight" standards...a must-see for hardcore masochists and gay-bashers alike.

The Crystal Shill

2008-06-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (2008 - Dir.: Steven Spielberg)

An Indiana Jones film can be a lot of things - it can be silly, it can be farfetched, it can be hackneyed, it can even have bad special effects, shaky acting, and a nonsensical plot. But on under any circumstances, IT CAN'T BE BORING, and this is the biggest indictment of the new Indiana Jones film (and by extension, the Star Wars prequels): it's frequently quite dull. It's also not thrilling, not entertaining, and if you had no pre-existing relationship with the Indiana Jones character, there would be no intrinsic interest in anything he does in this movie.

There is not much that I like about "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". The car chases look either slow or fake, or more frequently, both; Ford doesn't have any fun with the character; the story is as clumsily assembled as "The Phantom Menace"; the film is besieged by cute CGI animals straight out of "Jumanji"; even the set design is a failure. There is very little sense of genuine adventure, and Jones spends most of his time running around a cartoon set.

And did I mention Shia LeBeouf swinging on a vine with cartoon monkeys? Or Shia LeBeouf fencing with an utterly misused Cate Blanchet as they ride through a cartoon jungle? This photo may sum up the failings of "Crystal Skull":

You'll notice that Indiana Jones is riding piggyback on Shia LeBeouf's motorcycle. Hell, Indiana Jones' father got to ride in a motorcycle sidecar, and he wasn't a WORLD-FAMOUS ADVENTURER! LeBeouf gets more to do in the film than Ford, an obvious attempt to set up LeBeouf as the new figurehead of the franchise. But putting aside my obvious dislike for LeBeouf's performances to date, there is nothing the least bit interesting about his character. They give "Mutt Williams" the reins to the franchise, but they don't even give him a personality.

The direction is sloppy and frenzied; it resembles the "comic" outrageousness of Spielberg's "1941" more than any Indiana Jones film. The script was obviously a compromise accepted in order to squeeze out one more Indiana Jones, regardless of relevance. It's amazing to me that George Lucas has essentially had three ideas in his entire life - something involving the 1950's, something involving space aliens, and remaking adventure serials - out of which he has created an empire. Even more interesting is the fact that for the first 15-20 years of his career, it worked brilliantly. "American Graffiti", Indiana Jones, Star Wars. But once those had all run their course by the end of the 1980's, there was nothing left. So what do we get out of a new Indiana Jones movie? Adventure serials...in the 1950's...with space aliens! Brilliant!

Lucas could have retired from the creative side of filmmaking J.D. Salinger-style twenty years ago, and he would be remembered him as one of the great creative minds of his generation, revered like a commercial Kubrick. But he kept pounding those same three ideas into the turf (disastrously insisting on full "creative control" over his "vision" in the process), and now we will always remember him as one of the biggest douchebags of all time, a man obsessed with tarnishing his own legacy.

GRADE: D.

So who gets the most blame for this turkey? Vote in the poll on the right and leave some comments.

My Eyes Did Not Deceive

2008-06-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (2008 - Dir.: Steven Spielberg) Yep, it happened - Shia fucking LeBeouf swinging on a vine with cartoon fucking monkeys. Exactly what we all would want out of a new Indiana Jones movie. More to follow on this film later today and for the rest of my life.

GRADE: D.

The Week in Review

2008-05-30T14:08:00.001-07:00

Kudos to Knock Knock for their brilliant in-the-park performance last Friday night. The highlight was the cover of "Sherry Darling", topped only when Southside Johnny appeared onstage to sing the chorus. Did anyone catch Knock Knock's zydeco set the next morning at the Jazz Jubilee? Pure magic.

There is a new entry in The Barnesyard's Top 5 of 2007 - Todd Haynes' "I'm Not There". I hope to write more about it next week, but suffice to say that any Dylan freak who hasn't seen this movie is wasting their life.

I hope to see "Indiana Jones 4" sometime this weekend; do my eyes deceive, or is Shia LeBeouf swinging with cartoon monkeys in the new TV spot? I must be hallucinating, right? RIGHT??!!

The new Midtown Monthly should be on stands sometime next week, with a new article by yours truly. What's it about? It's a secret! (or is it? (yes, it is (perhaps!))).

Last night's season finale of "Lost" only confirms my long-gestating "crazy fucking island" theory. Connect the dots, and you'll see how utterly logical it is. They're on a crazy fucking island! It's so simple!

I will have a Bump It or Dump It up sometime in the middle of next week, with a Dare Daniel to follow the week after. I have some ideas for the Bump/Dump, but I've got bupkus for the Dare Daniel, so someone bail me out with a suggestion.

Me and the missus BBQ-ed some kabobs last weekend, which leads me to officially declare summer 2008 as "The Summer of the Kabob". It's certainly a step up over 2006 ("The Summer of Amoebic Dystentery") and 2007 ("The Summer of Excessive Back Sweat"). Things are looking up all over.

Recapping the Best Bits

2008-05-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who voted in the "Barnesyard's Best Bits" poll. As I expected, Dare Daniel and Bump It or Dump It finished at the top, with a whopping 18 votes apiece. They really are pretty good bits, aren't they? Let me just say that I hear you loud..and...clear, MCUSA - I am going to make it a priority to have at least one of those two bits every single week all summer long. Start pelting with submissions/suggestions ASAP.

There was a bit of a dropoff after that, but I would say that anything that got at least 7 votes - meaning 1/3 of the respondents thought it was one of the better bits - was pretty much validated. "What the Fucking Fuck?", an extremely short-lived bit where I answered reader's questions, pulled in a surprising 13 votes. I feel it ranked that high largely on the strength of one particular post, but my only intention with the bit was to skewer Lisa Heyamoto, thus destroying her career (I only need the Bee for the Times crossword - can I assume it worked like gangbusters?). At any rate, the concept of answering movie questions is pretty sound, so perhaps I will reconfigure it. 12 voters liked the idea of full movie reviews, but that's probably more effort than I'm willing to put in at the moment. However, at least 8 of you like the Movie Journal/capsule review idea, so we'll probably go that route instead.

Duelling Reviews got 10 votes, but Dub is a hotshot grad student/assistant professor now, so he's too big of a noise for that measly bit. Perhaps I could rework the bit so that we have guest reviewers (MCUSA readers/commenters, other bloggers, etc.)? Any interest in that? Poll questions got 9 votes - that's a staple, not going anywhere. The good ol' Top 5 of the Week picked up 8 votes (probably not coming back full-time, just as an occasional goof), as did Little Richard and CH (ditto). Rounding out the list of validated bits with 7 votes: lists (another staple), the Which is Worse? poll (might occasionally work this into the regular poll questions), and Jesse/other terrorists. As a personal favor to President Bush, I have decided never to let Jesse off the hook, and instead bring him to justice via the blogosphere. Dubya's got a boot with your name on it, sir!

Some notable bits that fell below the 1/3 line were Madame Tutly-Putly (let me just say that I DO NOT her you loud...and..clear, MCUSA; this issue will never die!) and Box Office Barnesyard. I think that Box Office Barnesyard works best in the context of a weekend preview, along with trailers and pictures and the like. I'm going to stick with Box Office Barnesyard for now, but I'll spruce it up a bit. The Kings placed last in the poll with just 2 votes - as luck would have it, the Kings are very depressing to talk about right now, so it works out swell.

Once again, don't forget to submit your suggestions for new Dare Daniel/Bump It or Dump It subjects. Regular posting will return on Tuesday, May 27, just after Memorial Day.

Name That Critic

2008-05-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

"People like me are getting really tired of these sick comedies. People shouldn't be laughing at these films. Superbad is not very funny. I did not laugh at this film at all. I read somewhere that one of the actors in this film, who is underage, did a sex scene. That's illegal. It didn't matter if the actor's parents were on the set, it's still illegal. I rather watch Disney cartoons than movies like this because it's good, clean fun. Movies like this don't deserve good reviews. Superbad is super terrible."

************

Don't forget to vote in the poll, if you haven't already - there is still time for Madame Tutly-Putly to make a remarkable rally and win this thing. That fine, decent, saint of a woman has triumphed over the worst forms of evil the planet has ever known - Communism, Nazi puppies, the Taliban, Jesse - so we should never count her out.

The Best BIts?

2008-05-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Now that MCUSA will be returning to a regular posting format in the next couple weeks, and since this is shaping up to be The Best Summer Ever, I thought I would take the opportunity to poll everyone on their favorite bits in Barnesyard/MCUSA history. I figure that if you are still reading this after all of the stops and starts, false starts, non-starts, and domain name changes, you are probably the "true fans" (or you just arrived here looking for screen shots from "Annapolis"; in which case, welcome). And like Larry the Cable Guy, I...respect...my...fans, no matter what terribly demeaning, spot-on things The Critics say about you. So vote for the bits that are/were your favorites and that you would like to see more regularly on MCUSA. Choose as many or as few as you like.

Love, The Barnesyard

Setting the Record Straight...AGAIN!

2008-05-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

First things first - the Italian paper in question is a very shady publication. The entire paper is printed on flattened-out pizza dough...need I say more? Furthermore, I never tried to claim that Mme. Tutly-Putly/Tutly-Wutly/Schmutly-Schmutly was without fault - yes, the woman is a friggin' saint, and I've never felt closer to God than when I was in her presence, but even the Good Lord makes a few mistakes (Jim Belushi has a show in syndication, for God's sake...literally, for God's sake - the Big Guy has terrible taste in TV). The point is that Madame Tutly-Putly's ultimate goals were sound and just, even if her methods included murder, anarchy, and genocide. Like the old saying goes, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, slaughtering Nazi puppies, and subverting democracy throughout the globe. Case closed.

On a more deadly serious note, check out the new issue of Midtown Monthly. I understand that they have a hot, new movie critic named Dan Muthafuckin' Barnes who is tearing up the joint. However, let me clear up a couple of rumors floating around: first, I will continue to maintain MCUSA (the recent lull has been due to the "busy season" at work coming to head; now that that's over, regular posting should return shortly); second, I DID NOT do that horrible thing to that super-famous person that you've all been reading about in the papers. The toaster oven was like that when I got there, end of story.

The Shocking Denunciation of Ms."Tutly-Putly"

2008-05-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

Howdy Folks, The Armeniac here bringin you some smoking hot breaking news in the Tutly-Putly, Tootly-Pootly, Tutly-Wutly affair.My sources in Milan,three Slovenes four Albanians and a Georgian ( they work for cigarettes!), tell me a certain Mr. Fatly-Hatly, a former member of M16,has written a scathing denunciation of Ms.Tutly-Putly in the Italian daily paper La Scusa Mia. Mr. Fatly-Hatly wrote of the key role played by Tutly-Wutly, then known as Ms. Tootly-Pootly, in the 1917 assassination of Prime Minister Giovanni Parmessano. Parmessano was in a tight race with the Communist Party candidate Guiseppi Tortelini in 1917. The war was raging around the Continent, tearing families apart. Good old Tootly-Pootly (Tutly-Wutly) was working for Lenin's dreaded Red Guard and her mission was assuring the election of Tortelini at all costs. Well,says Fatly-Hatly, she did her bloody red work! Prime Minister Parmessano was killed a bomb secreted away in his stromboli. Secreted away in the stromboli by whom you may ask? Why none other than that red loving, puppy killing, old man and little girl kicking, Communist Super Agent.....Ms. Tutly-Putly (Tutly-Wutly)! Apparently the sweet old Madamme was sewing discord and subverting democracy while the Italian Nation struggled to tear itself out of anarchy. Not a bad job if you can get it, Ms. Tutly-Putly!!
When asked to comment on these charges Ms. Tutly-Putly said " Get the hell away from me you dirty,dirty Slavs!, except for the Georgian, he's alright by me!"
Shocking.

Bad Box Office...Bad!

2008-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't done Box Office Barnesyard too frequently of late, and given the imminent onslaught of the summer movie season, I thought I would review the top 10 highest-grossing movies of 2008 so far. Only one 2008 release has cracked the $100 million mark ("Horton Hears a Who") and one more could still crack the barrier if the studio decides to milk the theatrical release instead of rushing it straight to video (10,000 B.C., currently at $93 million). "Cloverfield" looked like a lock for a $100 million minimum gross after its huge opening weekend, but then everybody saw the movie and hated it. I can't remember the last time that toxic word-of-mouth killed a sure-fire smash so soundly (Ang Lee's "Hulk", maybe?). Anyway, here's the list, with approximate grosses in parentheses:

1) Horton Hears a Who (145 million)
2) 10,000 B.C. (93 million)
3) Cloverfield (80 million)
4) Jumper (79 million)
5) 27 Dresses (77 million)
6) Vantage Point (73 million)
7) The Spiderwick Chronicles (71 million)
8) 21 (70.4 million, but also the one movie here that is still climbing...should finish in the top 2 or 3 of this list when all is said and done)
9) Fool's Gold (69 million)
10) Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert film (65 million)

Pretty crap-lousy list of movies, is it not? It almost makes you excited for "Speed Racer". No other currently released films are likely to pass $65 million; "The Forbidden Kingdom" made about a third of that in its opening weekend, but it will have to really capture the public's imagination to get past $60 million total. Don't see it happening.

The McBarnesyard Group

2008-04-23T12:01:00.001-07:00

First topic - in the latest MCUSA straw poll, the Little Richard/Little Richard's "no manners" in a jar ticket eked out a narrow victory over the 13-minute version of "Ramrod"/Michael Bloomberg campaign. Pundits are blaming Bloomberg's poor showing in the South for the loss, as most Southerners would rather elect an actual bag of shit than a gay, Jewish, New York billionaire. Only 11 people voted in the poll - way to rock the fucking vote, America. Seriously, if Little Richard's feces in a jar doesn't energize the American voting public, let's just give up on democracy and hand the amber waves of grain over to Osama right now.

Next topic - the other big twist in the campaign season is Madame Tutly-Putly's controversial endorsement of the 13-minute version of "Ramrod". Some wags are calling for the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" to reject her endorsement and return her campaign contributions, because of her role in killing orphans and puppies throughout 1940's Europe. Of course, what the talking heads DON'T want you to know is that MOST of the orphans and puppies in Europe at that time were Nazis. I guess Madame Tutly-Putly just advocates a stronger stand against the scourge of Nazi puppies than the people who are systematically attacking her (e.g., Ann Coulter, Tony Snow, Sean Hannity, Jesse).

Final topic - if Moses had been smoking weed at Mt. Sinai, would he have ever climbed the mountain to receive the ten commandments?

Political Talk

2008-04-16T14:56:00.001-07:00

FUCKING!!!!

Now that I have your undivided attention, I'd like to discuss some very weighty political matters. I was going to close the 13-minute version of "Ramrod"/Bloomberg vs. Little Richard/Little Richard's "no manners" in a jar poll tomorrow morning, but I've decided to leave it open a little longer to give some of the more secluded precincts a chance to vote. At stake: just the immediate and long-term survival of the whole fucking world. If you can't be bothered to vote, don't come back the next day and complain about Little Richard's permissive social policies, or the 13-minute version of "Ramrod"'s big new tax hike. Make your voice heard TODAY.

Personally, I'm torn - me and The Georgia Peach have a long personal history (very long...and VERY personal...and VERRRRRRRRY historic), but I can't help but feel that he's just offering more of the same in a time of great national turmoil. The voters want answers on the war, solutions to the debt crisis, and a new direction for the economy, and Little Richard just offers the usual razzle-dazzle, piano-based rock-and-roll, pansexual orgies, and poop in a jar. The Quasar of Rock's feces in a jar was fine five years ago, but it's just not enough anymore! On the flipside, the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" doesn't have Little Richard's vast political experience and connections, but he does offer a new message of hope and freedom that seems to be captivating our nation's youth. Will it be enough to topple the well-oiled (and I do mean "WELL-oiled") political machinery of the Little Richard/Little Richard's "no manners" in a jar ticket? Only time will tell.

Whither "Truckin'"?/Political World/Box Office Roundup

2008-04-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

The Halloween show was on Saturday night (almost exactly 6 months removed from the actual holiday...let's see the Mayan calendar do that!). I wanted to post all of the pictures I took, but I am having trouble loading my consciousness onto the computer (lousy PC's!), so I'll just say that it was a brilliant, fun, inspiring experience as usual. Shows like this make me appreciate what an amazing group of creative, courageous, completely bonkers friends I'm fortunate enough to have. Without your example, I doubt I would have the confidence to even publish this little hoo-hah right here. Bless you all, and Uncle Sam hats off to Guphy for her gracious hosting.

One glaring disappointment about the show, however - The Grateful Dead completely forgot to play "Truckin'"! I don't want to be a dick about it, but it was my first Dead show ever, I travelled all the way to the Pyramids to see them, and they don't even play "Truckin'"? What's that about? They could have at least played it once, if not twice (the first time at the song's usual plodding pace, the second time at a time-and-space-bending, mind-numbingly plodding pace). You go to see the Dead, and you expect to hear them play "Truckin'", am I right? Or at the very least "Touch of Grey". Not for nothing, but Jerry, Bob, the Doo-dah guy, and company owe me a heartfelt apology (not Phil Lesh, though...regular guy); failing that, a couple of conciliatory tanks of nitrous would suffice.

**************************

In political news, it looks like the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" comes out on top in a three-way race with Obama and McCain. There was some scuttlebutt about a 13-minute version of "Ramrod"/Little Richard ticket storming ballot boxes this November, but as anyone with a rudimentary understanding of rock history knows, The Georgia Peach and the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" have a long-running feud stemming from a horrible misunderstanding at a 1957 backstage pansexual orgy. You couldn't get those two in the same room together, even to bugger each other silly. Of course, Little Richard IS planning an imminent launch of his own Presidential campaign; his running mate will be a jar of his own "no manners". But can the Little Richard/Little-Richard's-feces-in-a-jar ticket halt the momentum of the 13-minute-version-of-"Ramrod"/Bloomberg campaign that seems to be capturing the hearts and minds of America's youth? Only time will tell.

***************************

I completely biffed on the #1 movie this weekend - the Keanu Reeves/James Ellroy collaboration (never thought I'd type that particular sequence of words) "Street Kings" pulled in $12 million, but the cheap-o horror flick "Prom Night" grossed a surprising $23 million to blow away the competition. Why do I always insist on giving the young people credit for possessing an iota of taste? It's times like these when I wonder if the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" Presidential campaign can ever inspire America's youths with its message of hope and freedom. I'm starting to think that these stupid kids will probably just vote for McCain (not that I can blame them - he's a torture victim who supports torture; no chinks in that armor!). Fucking kids.

Other than that, I correctly picked 4 of the top 5 films (although the early estimates put my #5 pick "Horton" just $200,000 behind "Leatherheads", so I may be vindicated when the actuals are released later today). Here's how the weekend box office shaped up, with my picks in parentheses:

1) Prom Night (2)
2) Street Kings (1)
3) 21 (3)
4) Nim's Island (4)
5) Leatherheads (x)

Better luck next time.

Michael Mann Ranked */Crunching the Numbers

2008-04-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

1) The Last of the Mohicans
2) The Insider
3) Manhunter
4) Ali
5) Collateral
6) Heat
7) Miami Vice

*Haven't Seen: The Jericho Mile (TV); Thief; The Keep; Crimewave (TV).

The top two are really a toss-up; they're the only two Mann films that even approach greatness. For whatever reason, they love him in La-La-Land, so if you've ever lived in L.A., Michael Mann could poop in your hat and you'd probably think it was the next "Paths of Glory". Thus the overheated praise for mediocrities like "Collateral" and "Heat". His next movie is "Public Enemies", currently shooting with Johnny Depp as John Dillinger for a 2009 release.

************

Reviewing some of MCUSA's recent polls, "No Country For Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood" tied for the best movie in my top 10. There is no doubt that those two were the "movies of the year", but as great as they are, they also have icewater in their veins. I guess I just LIKED "Grindhouse" and "Zodiac" a little bit more. "D-War" was voted the worst movie in my top 10, but the poll was more revelatory in pointing out the high degree of Brendan Fraser fans among MCUSA residents. Didn't see that one coming. Finally, it appears that the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" is a lock to win the White House in a theoretical three-way runoff...the young people really seem to be responding to its message of hope. Unfortunately, the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" has still not formally thrown its hat into the ring...could a 13-minute-version-of"Ramrod"/Bloomberg ticket establish itself as a viable third-party option? Only time will tell.

At any rate, for anyone who doubts that the 13-minute version of "Ramrod" has firmly established itself as the next Little Richard, consider that noted terrorist sympathizer Jesse recently declared jihad against the 13-minute version of "Ramrod", labeling it "a deplorable symbol of Western decadence". Case closed.

Box Office Barnesyard - Lazarus Edition

2008-04-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

Another crap-lousy week at the multiplexes, almost enough to make me look forward to the big-budget franchise monstrosities of the summer, like "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2". The big debuts are the slasher "Prom Night" (2700 screens), the quasi-gritty "Street Kings" (2500 screens), and the indie "Smart People" (1100 screens). Duds all around. In addition, the Foreign Language Oscar-winner "The Counterfeiters" comes to the Tower, and the documentary "Girls Rock" plays at the Crest (heckuva pickup, The Crest).

Returning from last week, "Nim's Island" shows on 3500 screens, "Horton" holds on to 3200, "Leatherheads" holds steady at 2800, and the surprise hit "21" expands to 2736. $12-14 million wins the weekend, easy. Here's how I see it playing out:

1) Street Kings
2) Prom Night
3) 21
4) Nim's Island
5) Horton Hears a Who

********

In my Jules Dassin post last week, I forgot to mention that his "Night and the City" star Richard Widmark (probably best known for his cackling psycho in the original "Kiss of Death") also passed away just a few days earlier. He was 93.

The Worst of the Worst?

2008-04-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who voted in the most recent poll - all 8 of you! Very scientific stuff. This is even worse than those polls in the Sacramento Bee that no one votes in. I never thought I would compare this amateur blog UNFAVORABLY to a fishrag like the Bee, but here we are (on the plus side, MCUSA remains Marcos Breton-free). At any rate, please vote in the most recent poll, and tell me which is the worst movie in my bottom 10 of 2008.

Jules Dassin Ranked - RIP Edition *

2008-04-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

1) Night and the City
2) Rififi
3) Thieves' Highway
4) Brute Force
5) Never On Sunday
6) The Canterville Ghost
7) Topkapi
8) 10:30 P.M. Summer
9) The Naked City

Writer/director/actor Jules Dassin passed away this week at the age of 96. The top two films on this list are flat-out masterpieces; they were both produced in Europe ("Night and the City" in London, "Rififi" in France) after Dassin was blacklisted for being a Communist. As Dub once pointed out, the difference between the perceived morality of informing against your co-workers in Elia Kazan's "On the Waterfront" and Dassin's "Rififi" mirrors the difference between the politics of the rat (Kazan) vs. those of the ratted-on (Dassin). Viewed in that light, "On the Waterfront", while still a classic film, can't help but seem like a shallow rationalization in comparison. Both "Night and the City" and "Rififi" are stark, stylish, emotionally powerful noirs imbued with the disappointment and cynicism of Dassin's situation as a wronged exile. Dassin made some decent B-movies in Hollywood before his exile, but "Night and the City" and "Rififi" are so great, one can't help but wonder what masterpieces might have been produced had directors like Raoul Walsh and William Wellman been forced to make a few movies in Europe. He eventually settled in Greece, married actress Melina Mercouri (who he directed several times and starred with in the silly but charming "Never On Sunday"), and became an activist and favorite son of the Greek government. The top 5 or 6 on this list are all well worth seeing, but Dassin did make his share of duds. "Topkapi" is an insufferable parade float, and "The Naked City" is a stiff policier often overrated because of its influence on the detective genre. But "Night and the City" and "Rififi" validate everything else - I strongly urge you to see them if you haven't already.

* Haven't Seen: The Tell-Tale Heart; Nazi Agent; The Affairs of Martha; Reunion in France; Young Ideas; Two Smart People; A Letter for Evie; He Who Must Die; La Loi; Phaedra; Survival; Up Tight!; Promise at Dawn; The Rehearsal; A Dream of Passion; Circle of Two

Barnesyard Movie Journal - March Edition

2008-04-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

March 3:

42) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Michael Schultz) (B) First viewing on Comcast OnDemand [with Darcey]

March 4:

43) Blade Runner: The Final Cut (Ridley Scott) (B-) Third viewing (first of "The Final Cut") at the Crest Theater at 8:30 p.m. [with David Paul, Jay, and Mike Banana]

March 6:

44) 12 Angry Men (Sidney Lumet) (B+) Second viewing on DVD [by myself]

March 7:

45) 300 (Zach Snyder) (B) Second viewing on DVD [with Darcey]

March 12:

46) 10,000 B.C. (Roland Emmerich) (D) First viewing at Century Stadium at 9:25 p.m. [w/ DP and Cody]

March 29:

47) Once (John Carney) (A-) First viewing on DVD [w/ Darcey]

March 30:

48) Raiders of the Lost Ark (Steven Spielberg) (A) Umpteenth viewing on DVD [w/ Darcey]

Slow fucking month, thank you very much "Lost", "30 Rock", "South Park", the XBox, professional and collegiate sports, "The Simpsons", and, for some reason, "WKRP in Cincinnati". Not much time left over for movies, and what's there is hardly cherce. "Sgt. Pepper's" is in no way a good film, but it hit me in just the right spot. "Once" is so charming you'll be checking for your wallet once it's over. Ridley Scott, if I admit that "Blade Runner" is sort of OK, will you quit releasing new versions of it? "The Final Cut" is the third time I've watched "Blade Runner", and I feel that I have lost the same war of attrition I fought with the similarly overrated "Unforgiven" (both movies were scripted by David Peoples...COINCIDENCE?!). "10,000 B.C." actually manages to LOWER the bar for cavemen-building-the-pyramids-with-woolly-mammoth movies.

The Barnesyard Takes Richmond

2008-04-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Richmond skyline. Richmond of one of the few major American cities to have whitewater rapids running through it.

Everyone in Virginia remains really jazzed about the Civil War, as though the Confederates could still rally and take this thing. This is a monument to the women of the Civil War (South only, natch).

This is part of the church where Patrick Henry delivered his "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" speech. It's probably one of the top 3 or 4 most rousing speeches ever delivered, right up there with Henry V at Agincourt, the Gettysburg Address, and Morgan Freeman at the end of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".

This is the Byrd Theatre in Cary Town, built in the 1920's and still an extremely well-preserved movie palace. Nothing against the Crest, the Castro, and the Standford Theatre in Palo Alto, but the Byrd is easily the most gorgeous, eye-popping movie palace I've ever been in. Unfortunately, they don't show old movies, just second-run features for 2 bucks. It was too dark to shoot inside the theater, so here's an artist's rendering that hardly does it justice:

MCUSA Apology Watch

2008-04-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

The following persons still owe me a heartfelt apology:

-Jesse
-Madame Wutly Wutly (not to be confused with Madame Tutly-Putly, a bona fide saint)
-Quincy Douby (above)
-Bob Grimm
-Osama bin Laden
-Damon, Marlon, and Keenan Ivory Wayans (but Shawn Wayans is in the clear...regular guy, good people)
-Matthew Modine
-Billy Beane
-Maryland Speaker of the House Michael Busch
-John Stamos' ghost
-the Prime Minister of Franchugal
-Steven Hawking
-ex-"Blind Date" host Roger Lodge (below)
-everyone involved with the production of the television show "Samantha Who"
-and let's not forget Jesse

Yes, it's a real rogue's gallery of terrorists, terrorist leaders, and mere terrorist sympathizers (except for Roger Lodge, of course; that guy's as American as a baseball carved out of apple pie); however, at least one local blogger has the courage to stand up for the cause of justice by offering me a sincere apology. It takes a lot of guts to admit you've wronged someone terribly, and I for one have a newfound respect for myself for being big enough to accept the apology. Sins absolved! As for the rest of you...apologize!

Upcoming Release Dates

2008-03-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

-David Fincher's adaptation of the F. Scott Fitzgerald story "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", starring Brad Pitt (above, in shitty character makeup) as a reverse-aging man, has been moved back a month for a Christmas 2008 release. Is this a sign that it will get the big Oscar push next year? It stars Cate Blanchett, and as I have pointed out on dozens of occasions, "Oscar Loves Cate Blanchett" (TM - Barnesyard International). Meanwhile, the Baz Luhrmann epic "Australia" (remember Baz Luhrmann?), starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, is slated for a November 18 release.

-On the sci-fi front, the JJ Abrams rejiggering of "Star Trek" has been pushed back from this Christmas to May 2009; I hear the delay is because they decided to make the movie super good. The Star Wars cartoon "The Clone Wars" is set to hit screens in August; my spies tell me Lucas rejected an early cut of the film, claiming that "there wasn't enough candy-ass shit". McG (director of the "Charlie's Angels" duology) is directing the new Arnie-free Terminator film, doltishly titled "Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins" (was it in "T3" that the past ended or "T2"? Matt Maxwell, help?). It is set for a May 2009 release; no word yet on the inevitable depressing sequels. Finally, although this sounds like a gag, Roland Emmerich (who already destroyed the world in "Independence Day" and "The Day After Tomorrow") is prepping the disaster film "2012", about the REEEEEEAL apocalypse.

-In kids flick news, "The Hannah Montana Movie" is slated for May 2009 monolithic dominance of your senses. Obey or perish, children of Earth! Tim Burton is prepping a Burton-ian take on "Alice in Wonderland" for March 2010, and Spike Jonze is eyeing an October 2009 release for his and Dave Eggers' adaptation of Maurice Sendak's "Where the Wild Things Are" (my impression is that the film will mix live action and animation).

-In TV-to-screen news, the new "Fame" movie has been pushed back to an unspecified date in 2009. "Fame" is produced by MGM, which has also put up new "TBD" dates for its shelf-clearing remakes of "Motel Hell" and "Scanners", so God only knows. A new movie version of "The A-Team" has been greenlighted, with John Singleton set to "direct" (or whatever you call it when you're shooting the "A-Team" movie). The early word has Woody Harrelson as Murdock, and Ice Cube in the Mr. T role. The target release is June 2009, just in time to ruin your summer.

-Finally, the most exciting film news in recent months - "Untitled Wayans Brothers Project" has been slated for a February 2009 release! No word yet on which Wayans Brothers will appear, or which racist/sexist/homophobic stereotypes they will be perpetuating, but the excitement is palpable nonetheless. By the way, did you know that there is a Damon Wayans, Jr.? He's been in some of his dad's projects and recently stopped at Harlow's on a stand-up tour. Apparently, there are not nearly enough Wayans to keep up with the public demand. Whatever else happens, we can not allow a Wayans Brothers gap; if the Chinese ever get their hands on our Wayans Brothers technology, so long free world.

Final Rankings of 2007

2008-03-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Now that the awards season has passed and 2007 has essentially been put to rest, I have compiled my ranking of all 81 of the 2007 movie releases that I've seen. It wasn't a great year for movies, but I feel that the top 10 movies on this list are all unqualified winners; the top 30 are all good, solid entertainments; and the top 50 or so are mediocre or better.

THE TOP TEN:

1) The Grindhouse Experience (with special regard for “Death Proof - The Extended Cut”, pictured above)
2) Zodiac
3) There Will Be Blood
4) No Country For Old Men
5) The Black Book
6) The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
7) King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
8) Perfume: A Story of a Murderer
9) The Lives of Others
10) Once

11) La Vie en Rose
12) Sicko
13) Crazy Love
14) Eastern Promises
15) Superbad
16) Rescue Dawn
17) Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
18) Hot Fuzz
19) Away From Her
20) Michael Clayton
21) 300
22) Across the Universe
23) Air Guitar Nation
24) American Gangster
25) Right at Your Door
26) Breach
27) The Lookout
28) The Darjeeling Limited
29) A Mighty Heart
30) The Wind That Shakes the Barley
31) The Namesake
32) 2 Days in Paris
33) Atonement
34) Eagle vs. Shark
35) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
36) Gone Baby Gone
37) Blades of Glory
38) Bee Movie
39) Ratatouille
40) The Brothers Solomon
41) The Bourne Ultimatum
42) Year of the Dog
43) Juno
44) Knocked Up
45) The Ten
46) Becoming Jane
47) The Simpsons Movie
48) Rocket Science
49) The Nin9s
50) I Am Legend
51) Shrek the Third
52) 3:10 to Yuma
53) Alpha Dog
54) Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
55) We Own the Night
56) Goya’s Ghosts
57) Margot at the Wedding
58) The Hottest State
59) Transformers
60) Meet the Robinsons
61) Ghost Rider
62) King of California
63) Paris je T’Aime
64) The Last Legion
65) Evening
66) Waitress
67) Spider-Man 3
68) The Kingdom
69) Ocean’s 13
70) Wedding Daze
71) Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer

THE BOTTOM 10:

72) The Golden Compass
73) The Wendell Baker Story
74) Disturbia
75) Elizabeth: The Golden Age
76) D-War: Dragon Wars
77) Next
78) Brooklyn Rules
79) Bordertown
80) Live Free or Die Hard
81) Gray Matters

Sacramento Street Scenes

2008-03-24T08:26:00.001-07:00

Further proof that Sacramento leads the nation in per capita shredding. We've even taken shredding mobile!